Is he Happy Mama?
We were driving home from the birthday party.
I glanced in my rearview mirror at Sawyer. He was red cheeked with messy hair.
I saw leftover pizza and frosting on his face.
He was clutching his giftbag. And I was hoping there wasn’t a whistle inside.
I hate whistles.
He was talking to his baby brother who was in the carseat next to him.
‘Did you see me jump buddy? I almost touched the sky! You saw me climb the rocks. I was scared though. I don’t like to be up high.’
The baby squealed in response.
I let my mind wander.
This was not Sawyer’s first friend birthday party and it won’t be his last.
He has been to dozens already. Maybe more than that.
Friends from daycare, preschool, kindergarten, t-ball and hockey. The list goes on.
It feels like every weekend we are running to Target to buy a present and then off to the party.
This one was at a trampoline park. He loved it.
The chatter was quiet for a second when Sawyer said to me, ‘Mama, why doesn’t Cooper have any friends? Does it make him sad that he doesn’t go to birthday parties?’
I chose my words carefully. Questions like these ones happen all the time now.
Sawyer is curious. He wants to understand. He wants answers.
I rarely, if ever, have them.
‘Cooper doesn’t really care about other kids buddy. He just likes to be home with you, Harbor and mom and dad. He likes his paper and his Kindle. And that’s okay.’
‘Because of the autism?’ he said.
I sighed, ‘Yes, because of the autism.’
It was quiet again.
And then, the question I have thought more times than I can count…
‘Is he happy mama?’
I flashed Sawyer the biggest smile I could muster in the rearview mirror and gave my most confident yes. And I promised him.
The baby squealed and Sawyer was distracted again.
I let myself think about birthday parties. And friends.
I wish Cooper would be invited to a birthday party. He never has. Not really. Not with an invitation in the mail or a text from a mom.
That’s what happens when your kid doesn’t care or understand. And also when they aren’t around a lot of other kids.
There are no invites.
But what people don’t understand is, even if he was invited, there is so much more to it than that.
We could go…but…
Cooper wouldn’t really understand that we were going to a birthday party.
He wouldn’t help me pick out the present. Or care.
He wouldn’t say Happy Birthday. Or sing the song. Or play the games. Or eat the food. Or watch the kid open presents.
He would be oblivious. He would most likely elope during the birthday song. And meltdown And have to leave early.
See, while me as the mom feels bad that my son doesn’t get invited to birthday parties…to him, he doesn’t care.
He doesn’t feel like he’s missing out.
That’s my thing. I still wish though. Maybe someday.
I was confident in my answer to Sawyer.
Cooper is happy. And that’s all the really matters.
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