My Son, I am So Sorry
My sweet boy, how I love you so. We have had such a long week and I’m sorry.
I am so tired of doctors, and needles, and hospitals, and machines, and all of it.
I’m tired of having to be the one who makes you suffer through this stuff.
But the doctors tell me there is more to look for, so in the hopes of doing the best I absolutely can for you, I keep looking.
I keep fighting, and I keep pushing.
And I know you are even more tired of it than I am.
I want to promise you we will have answers soon, and that we can stop. But I feel like I’ve been making that promise to you since you were 2 months old. And it never stops.
Sometimes I feel like we should just stop.
I want to give up and say there are no answers, so no more! But in my heart of hearts, I know there is something more to find.
Sometimes the medical field makes me so very mad. We can do so many thing now, compared to just 20 years ago.
We know so much more, but no one can explain why autism exists. No one can explain why you regressed and lost all your skills.
No one can explain why your bloodwork comes back all wonky every time or what it means.
Sometimes I wish I could go back to school so I could figure it out for you!! But that would mean that I would have to take focus off you, and I can’t do that.
I need to focus on you and work with you so you can grow. So you can regain skills, and KEEP them.
So, my sweet little boy, just know I love you. And I’m trying so hard for you.
My prayer is that very soon we can stop testing. Stop going to doctors constantly.
Stop having to get on planes to see tons of doctors over a few days time. And my prayer is for rest.
So you can just be. So you can live and thrive.
Oh, how I love you.
Written by, The Adventures of Carter Knox
I’m Shannon, and I’m the Mom to Carter, an adorable 2.5 year old with severe regressive autism, digestive issues, food allergies, growth hormone deficiency, and focal seizures. I run a Facebook blog titled “The Adventures of Carter Knox.”
Interested in writing for Finding Cooper’s Voice? LEARN MORE
Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook, subscribe for exclusive videos, and subscribe to our newsletter.
