How I Pour From an Empty Cup

You can’t pour from an empty cup.

I’ve seen this plastered all over social media. And they are such wise words. Figuratively and literally, it makes so much sense. And I believe them wholeheartedly.

But there’s a problem with my cup. There’s a hole at the bottom of it. And no matter how much I pour in, I always seem to fall short and empty. And that hole is autism.

I am a very blessed woman. I have a wonderful 5 year old son who is the highlight of my life.

I am a teacher and I love what I do for a living. I am a single mom, but I live with my dad and my sister and brother, and they truly are my village. They are supportive and they love on my boy like you’ve never seen.

I am so lucky, and I thank God daily for the people he’s secured in my sons life.

But the hardest parts of autism? The gut wrenching, want to pull your hair out, never ending demands of autism….they fall on me.

I feel alone. In the trenches, fighting for my life, with no reprieve in sight.

And most days, I’m okay with that. Again – I am so lucky. My son is so smart. He’s miraculously verbal after not speaking a word for 3 and a half years.

He’s got a wonderful personality. Truly, I like him as a person.

But sometimes, even surrounded by people who love me and support me, I feel so isolated and alone.

I struggle through every hair wash….alone. (The cup drains a little)

I am the one who has to force him medicine when he’s sick….alone. (The cup drains more)

I hold him down to clean his ears….alone. (Oh no, getting closer to the bottom)

I strain to comfort him during his moments of frustration and meltdowns….alone. (Getting dangerously close. Just a few sips left)

I spend an hour getting him to shut down his clearly exhausted body to finally sleep….alone. (And…there goes the last drop)

And when the day is over, I am more than empty. I am so thirsty, and there is literally nothing left to drink.

And I try to fill my cup. I try to set aside that time to replenish.

I wake up extra early for work so I can have some “me” time. But that time is mostly spent following autism blogs and trying to find people who understand what my life is like. It helps a lot – it definitely keeps my cup a little more full.

I try to exercise – spend time on self care. But that’s often interrupted by my son wanting my attention. And since I work full time, gosh knows the guilt usually gets to me and I stop mid workout to play cars or trains.

I try to get to bed early – make sure I wake up with a full cup of energy. But I awake most nights with fears and anxieties of the future. Will it get better? Will it get easier?

Will my son thrive? Most importantly, will he be happy?

Some days, my cup stays a bit full till after bedtime. We do have our good days.

But most days, I’m bone dry well before I care to admit.

I so understand what that meme is saying. The more you have, the more you have to give. But that is just not my life. No matter what I do, that hole…it drains me.

I can keep filling it, and it will keep emptying out till nothing is left.

But what I’ve learned is that while I may have no liquid left in my cup, what I do have is…air. No cup is ever empty.

It is always filled with air. And air is what we breathe. And air is what keeps us alive. And air….I’ve come to realize is all I have and all I need to get by.

So, I take a deep breath. I pray for patience and understanding and grace. And my “empty cup”….well, it seems to get me through. And I look forward to the day when life is a little easier, and I can end the day with a little liquid left to gulp down before bed.

And until then? I can always brew more coffee.

Written by, Katherine Patty

Katie is a single mom to a wonderful 5 year old boy with high functioning autism. She’s a teacher by day, and an autism mom by night. She enjoys reading and exercising….when her son allows her time to do so. She is a blessed woman with a wonderful village and a strong faith in God.

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Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook, subscribe for exclusive videos, and subscribe to our newsletter.