At the End of the Day I have Nothing Left

At the end of the day I have nothing left to give.

You could say it’s because I have three kids. Three boys actually. 8, 6 and 6 months.

One husband.

Two dogs.

A house.

A job.

A website.

Friends, family and obligations.

You could say it’s the time of my life. 35 years old is the busy time.

My life is full. Full of laughter, love, chaos, dirty laundry, trains and hockey. And I love every minute of it.

You could also say it’s because I am up before 6 am every day and 5 am most days.

And I’m up at least twice every single night. Usually with Cooper. Sometimes the baby. Sometimes both.

It could also be because my kids are always hungry. And I’m breastfeeding. And giving baths.

It could be because my five year old is in sports. And activities. And he seems to have a birthday party every single weekend.

My baby is also teething. I forgot how fussy they get when they are teething.

But it’s honestly not any of those things.

This is different. This is real, unbelievable exhaustion. It’s different than being physically tired. It’s emotional.

At the end of the day I have nothing left to give because the intensity of my son’s anxiety has overtaken me.

And the worry consumes me.

Some days I swear it has turned my brain to mush. And reduced me to an open nerve.

It’s the yelling. The protesting. The screaming.

It’s the throwing. And sometimes the hitting.

It’s the never ending research, trying new things, analyzing of behaviors, making phone calls, trying to figure out why he is acting the way he is.

It’s the WIFI not working. And the battery on the Kindle dying.

It’s the lump in his sock. Or the beeping of a truck. Or the yelling at his brother.

It’s the constant walking on eggshells feeling.

It’s wanting to turn left. Always to the left. Never to the right.

It’s getting the wrong food at the drive thru and kicking the windshield.

It’s trying to open the car door to jump out.

And it’s also autism.

Autism and anxiety. I’m not sure where one starts and the other one ends.

And yet autism is just a word. And also everything.

It’s nothing and my whole world at the same time.

It’s the most beautiful thing and the hardest thing rolled into one.

It’s miracles, breakthroughs and heartbreaks. Sometimes all at the same time.

It’s every decision. Every feeling. It’s always here. Offering no breaks.

It’s changed me. It’s depleted me. It’s energized me to help him.

This is why at the end of the day I have nothing left to give.

It means that I can’t answer your text message. My notifications read 20. 20 unread texts. From friends and family. My mom. People I love.

It means I can’t return your email once the kids go to bed.

It means I will send your call to voicemail. You will call. And most days I don’t even have the energy to check your message.

It means at the end of the day, I sit in the silence sometimes staring at the wall. Mindlessly checking my phone. But not really taking anything in.

It means that I have been on point all damn day. But after my boys are bathed, teeth brushed, hugged and kissed, I have nothing else to give. Not to anyone. Not even myself.

I need to recharge. Quickly. Because I will be up soon.

I am fine every morning. Ready to start over. To teach. To model. To encourage communication. To say ‘first, then.’

To work on sounds. And getting dressed. To kiss owies. And sing songs. To dance to my son’s reflection.

And to get yelled at.

To have the intensity be at a 10 at 6 am. Yelling over cheerios.

And ‘I want blue, green, pink, yellow, paper’ on a speech device.

I’m ready. Every day. With a smile on my face.

Anyone can do it for a few days, weeks or months. But those months have quickly turned into years. 8 of them to be exact.

And you need to know that at the end of the day, I have nothing left to give. Because sometimes I am numb.

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Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook, subscribe for exclusive videos, and subscribe to our newsletter.