My Promise to You

My son. My promise to you.

I will do everything in my power to keep you safe.

I will do everything I can to understand what you need. And why you act the way you do.

I will defend your behavior.

I will advocate for you.

I will explain. Teach. And speak on your behalf when you need me too.

And if there comes a day when you can speak for yourself, I will stand proudly behind you.

I will be a buffer between you and the world.

I will push when you need it.

I will block when you need that too.

I will not let you hurt other people. I will do everything in my power to teach you right from wrong.

And to make the world give you a chance.

I will not let them label you as a monster.

I will make them see you. See that you are a person. And that autism is an explanation. Not an excuse.

And when it all gets to be too much, I will carry you.

I’ll get on the ground with you when you need that too.

I’ll wrap your body up so tight and whisper in your ear as the fear overtakes your body.

If you hit me or kick me, I will only return kindness to you.

I will hold your arms. Your legs. And your head.

I will try to prevent you from injuring yourself.

Even if that means I am being injured in return.

And I will never flinch my sweet boy. I will never be afraid.

I know you would never hurt me. Not on purpose.

I know it’s because you don’t understand. And you can’t communicate.

It must feel like no one is listening to you. I can’t imagine that feeling.

I’ve watched anxiety take complete control of your body and drop you to the ground.

I’ve reached my hand in trying to get through the kicking legs and flailing arms only to get kicked and hit in return.

I’ve felt my eyes water from a well placed slap.

I know the definition of true love now. It’s keeping someone safe from themselves only to get hurt in return.

It’s getting them home after a meltdown has overtook their body, and putting them in the bathtub. It’s washing the little hands and feet that just hurt you with nothing but love.

But I ask you this my son.

In return you have to give me some grace too. Because this can be really hard stuff at times.

Please be patient with me when I need to walk away. It rarely happens, but sometimes, I just need a moment to collect my thoughts.

Sometimes mama just needs to breathe. To walk it off.

To cry behind her sunglasses. To wonder why aggressions have to happen.

To wonder if I will be able to keep you safe forever.

To wonder how my little boy, that I love more than anything, can hit me. I need to process it. To think it through.

To figure out how to do better. How to be better.

All for you my sweet boy.

But no matter what, I promise you, I will protect you.

Even if that means I need to protect your from yourself. And even shield myself at times.

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Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook and subscribe to our newsletter.