The Greatest Teacher

It was a beautiful, sunny April day last year when Autism first became a part of our lives.

It was in the last few days of Autism Awareness Month that we were presented with my son Jack’s suspected diagnosis of Autism and we would begin our journey on the spectrum.

His diagnosis would be confirmed a month later at an appointment with our developmental pediatrician- a last minute appointment we were lucky to get almost seven months early due to a cancellation and our ability to be there with short notice.

If I am being truly honest with myself and you, I knew going in to that well check that there was something. I knew in my gut and my heart that it was Autism.

You see, I can Google Doctor with the best. I can find the signs and the symptoms and I can apply them or rule them out.

I work well with absolutes and facts and I was pretty sure I knew from all my research that it was coming. I would have been more confused if I hadn’t heard Autism in the diagnosis that day.

Still, I sat there that day in the pediatricians office, wiping my crocodile tears, being given referrals and suggestions, and getting sent out to navigate it all for my little boy- my little boy who was still the same little boy that he had been before we walked in that office.

When we got home, I made the calls and I set the appointments and I began the process of getting services and intervention going. Then I took an hour that afternoon to be in my feelings and to cry.

I realize now I took the hour to grieve not the diagnosis, but the knowledge that things that are easy for other kids might be harder for Jack.

I cried because who wants their child’s life to be more challenging then it has to be? I think it is natural as a parent to not want things to be hard for our children. I cried because the world, oh goodness the world. It can be so unkind and I can’t always protect Jack from that.

I took that hour and that hour was all my little guy allowed me that day- it was a sunny and he wanted to play in our backyard.

In a years time Autism has become a constant in our home.

Let me tell you, there are hard days. There are hard weeks. There are the meltdowns, the frustration, the places, situations, and things we just can’t do right now.

There are the relatives who don’t support and don’t understand and who don’t accept the diagnosis.

There is the twenty minutes of screaming because our routine changed and the lack of personal safety awareness.

There is the longing to hear Jack’s voice. There are the 3 am fears and worries that keep me up and the planning meeting when I had to give those fears life and say them out loud to a virtual stranger….I could go on and on. But I won’t.

I won’t because more importantly, there is a heck of a lot of beauty and magic in this life we are living.

Autism in our home is dynamic. No two days are a like and there is something beautiful in it all.

It is laying out and rearranging toy train tracks until they are perfect. It is the love and excitement over big John Deere green tractors. It is the celebrations for meeting the smallest of milestones that were a mountain to climb.

It is Jack greeting me with the biggest smile each morning and the joy he emits as we start our day.

It is watching him figure something out for first time or running barefoot and shirtless (I don’t know, it is his thing) through the backyard laughing all the way.

It is seeing my husband’s face the first time Jack said ‘Dad’ or my dad’s face the first time his first grandson called him ‘Pa.’

It is my five year old not quite understanding what exactly makes her little brother different, but being his best buddy, partner in crime, protector, and one who can always pull him back when he goes down a rabbit hole just the same.

It is the sparkle in his eyes, the mischievous grin, and the arms hugging me around my neck. It is meeting Jack where he is and the trust he has in us to allow us to be there.

It is so much love. So much love.

I read a quote the other day and it really resonated with me.

The words by Joan Ryan said, “Motherhood is about raising and celebrating the child you have, not the child you thought you would have. It’s about understanding he is exactly the person he is supposed to be. And, that if you’re lucky, he just might be the teacher that turns you in to the person you are supposed to be.”

It is so true.

All of my children have taught me something and I love them all more than my heart can handle some days, but Jack, he’s going to be the teacher that I think just might make the greatest impact on me in this classroom of life and lead me to that person I am supposed to be.

He’s not quite three yet and he has already taught me so much.

Jack’s taught me about strength and hope. He has taught me about hard work and not giving up. I never considered myself a patient person, but here he is building it in me every day.

The lessons aren’t always easy and they are never ending, but Jack has taught me so, so much.

He is right there with me each day impressing upon me new things. I am learning about the unbreakable human spirit.

I am learning so much more about the depths of unconditional love. I don’t know what the future will bring our way, who does?

I do know that we are learning as we go each and every day.

I am alright with that because I have the sweetest, most adorable blue eyed teacher showing me the path.

Written by, Marisa McLeod

I am a 30 something wife and mom of four pretty awesome kids- two girls (8 and 5) and two boys (2 and 1). My oldest son has an Autism diagnosis. I recently left the working world and am just out here in suburbia trying to rock out this stay at home mom life. I get by with the help of my family and friends, lots of sarcasm, COFFEE, Pinterest daydreaming, and the occasional glass of wine.

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