Watching the Anxiety Release its Hold on Him

I never knew a child could have anxiety. I fully admit that.

If you would’ve told me five years ago that anxiety could completely control a child’s life, and the child’s family’s lives, I would have probably laughed at you.

I would have said something like, ‘what does a child have to be anxious about?’

I was ignorant.

I didn’t know. I was naïve. I was clueless.

Well, the universe had a way of showing me.

My son’s anxiety is brutal.

It controls every aspect of his life.

It controls whether he leaves the house on a weekend.

Whether he wears leggings, shorts, or leggings with shorts. Or a swimsuit.

Whether we turn right or left at a stop sign.

Whether we attend a holiday celebration at someone’s house.

Whether we take separate cars or drive as a family.

Anxiety prevents us from saying words like pool, waterpark, and birthday party out loud.

Anxiety is self injuring. Anxiety scares me more than anything else in this world.

Because I can’t control anxiety. Anxiety controls us.

But things are changing. Slowly. Steady. Bit by bit. Step by step.

And I fully credit a few things. ABA Therapy, my son’s age, and anti-anxiety medication. And of course, never giving up hope.

Last night we asked Cooper if he wanted to go for a walk as a family.

Normally, the answer would always be no. A loud, shake a fist, grunt, no.

We would try and bribe him. We’d offer a sucker. Or a visit to a train.

We’d talk about how fun it would be. And how there would be kids at the park.

We’d get out the timer and a chart. We’d say ‘first’ and ‘then. If it was a particularly beautiful day we’d maybe beg a little bit.

The answer would be no. And there was no forcing him. You can’t make an 80 pound kid walk to the park.

And let’s say on a rare occasion he did go.

It was a race. Fast, fast, fast. Run to the park. Go down the slide one time. Throw some mulch. Kick a tree. Lie in the road. And run home.

Same path. Same steps. Always the same.

It would take 10 minutes.

No talking to the neighbors. No leisurely stroll. No enjoyment.

That’s his anxiety.

But last night was different.

We asked Cooper and he agreed with a finger up in the air and a loud, cheerful yes.

He grabbed his shoes. And his baby brother.

He walked. He ran. He waved to the neighbors. He laughed. He pointed to an airplane. And a neighbor’s dog.

He yelled at us about the loss of his WIFI. He was bummed to lose his theme music. But he was able to move on.

He went on the slide. He sat on the swing.

He was happy. Really, really happy.

Jamie talked to a neighbor. I watched Sawyer shoot a basketball into the hoop.

I chatted with kids I haven’t seen since last summer.

Everyone gushed at the baby.

I was ecstatic.

As his ten minutes were nearing, I figured we were done. But I thought, maybe not.

I asked him if he wanted to go for a longer walk. Again he said, ‘yes.’

And off we went.

We walked a good mile around our neighborhood.

As a family.

He held my hand. He walked ahead. He walked behind. He sat down. He even laid on the sidewalk.

He ran.

We both gave him a piggy back ride at some point.

I bet we were quite the sight. A loud, chaotic sight.

But we kept going.

It was amazing. And at one point I said to Jamie, ‘this is what we prayed for.’

His anxiety is letting him go.

And as a direct result, it’s releasing its hold on Jamie, Sawyer and I too.

We are talking to our neighbors. We are enjoying our neighborhood. We are waving. We are talking.

We prayed for this. We’ve worked 8 years for this.

Our son is finally thriving.

And we are living.

Thank you God. Thank you therapy. Thank you medication. Thank you Cooper.

Note: I do not share my son’s medications publicly. If you would like to learn more, please consider joining my supporter group. Click HERE to learn more.

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