March 11, 2019

Will I be Sad Forever?

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Dear Kate, I’m writing you because I don’t know who else to say this too.

It’s late. 2 am actually. Everyone is sleeping.

Although I know my son will be up in a hour. I should be sleeping. But I can’t.

My son was diagnosed today with autism. It shouldn’t have been a surprise. I mean, I knew. We all knew.

He has no words. He doesn’t even try to communicate.

I overhead one of the aides in his preschool say she has never met a boy quite so autistic. I don’t know if I’ll ever forget that.

Please help me. Tell me it’s going to be okay.

Tell me that I won’t be sad forever.

Tell me that my son and I will have a relationship like I have with his brothers. Because right now, I am really struggling to find my joy.

(An excerpt from an email I received from a mama.)

Dear mama, I want you to know that you will smile again.

The word autism feels huge. It feels scary. It feels like it is going to be hard forever.

You look at this little child who is seemingly in their own world and you can’t figure out how to reach them. I understand. I’ve been there.

Cooper and I have been learning autism together for eight years now.

We’ve had huge highs and huge lows. Together.

I promise you that it will get better mama.

Don’t give up hope. And I promise you that your relationship will be beautiful.

Look at ours. He has no words. He may never. No endless questions.

And yet, we have more than I could have ever asked for.

I promise you it will be okay.

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Kate Swenson

Kate Swenson lives in Minnesota with her husband Jamie, and four children, Cooper, Sawyer, Harbor and Wynnie. Kate launched Finding Cooper's Voice from her couch while her now 11-year-old son Cooper was being diagnosed with autism. Back then it was a place to write. Today it is a living, thriving community of people who want to not only advocate for autism, but also make the world a better place for individuals with disabilities and their families. Her first book, Forever Boy, will be released, April 5, 2022.

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1 Comments

  1. Amanda on March 12, 2019 at 4:41 pm

    It must be terribly difficult for you to be going through this right now.I have an autistic teen and am used to the idea of it but still remember when the first diagnosis occured.Being an advocate is important.Being sure of your child’s safety and well being is a huge deal.You can do it.Dont forget self care:)It must be very difficult having a non verbal child.I really can’t image how hard that must be.