When the Milestone Emails are Wrong
When I was pregnant with my first son, I signed up for all the groups. The Bump. BabyCenter. What to Expect when you are Expecting.
I wanted all the information I could get my hands on.
I was so excited for his arrival. And I wanted to find moms like me that I could connect with.
I also wanted to know when my little dude would reach his milestones.
When would he roll over?
When would he sit up?
Crawl?
Say his first word?
Be potty trained?
These websites were perfect for that.
Every week they would send an email. Your baby should be doing this. Or that.
At first it was fine. My adorable son met many of his first milestones on time.
But as he got older, the delays became more blatant.
He had no words. He wasn’t doing any imaginative play. He wasn’t jumping.
He was way too focused on tv.
I started to dread the emails. I would read the subject line and immediately push delete.
It got to be too hard. Too sad.
I eventually unsubscribed.
I had also made virtual friendships with many wonderful moms who had babies the same time I did.
I tried to maintain communication with them. Only, I started to feel like a stranger.
That old saying…it’s not you…it’s me. Well, it wasn’t them. It was me.
My kid wasn’t doing any of the things that their kids were doing.
I just couldn’t relate. I couldn’t chime in.
And it was too hard for me to hear and see what my son wasn’t doing. I eventually pulled away from them too.
I learned that Cooper and I were writing our own emails.
What to expect when your child is delayed. Or not talking. And eventually diagnosed with autism.
The only problem with that is it’s hard to know what to expect. Or what is ‘normal’ for autism.
It’s hard to find people to ask too.
Even after 8 years I have so many questions. And no one to ask.
If I do I am often shamed. Or called negative. Or people just don’t relate.
So often as special needs parents we stop asking questions. Because we are scared.
Scared of being judged. And scared that no one knows the answers.
A few of mine include…
I want to know if my son will ever learn to use the remote?
If he will stop putting everything in his mouth?
If he will stop getting naked when he goes to the bathroom?
Will he always wake up in the middle of the night and come into our bed? Even as a man?
How will I get him to wear deodorant? Will I have to shave him?
Will he learn to use a fork? Get dressed?
Will he learn how to buckle himself in the car?
Will he watch Barney forever?
I know that so many of these questions are specific to my son. And that he will do them on his own schedule. I get that. But I would love it so much if I had a group of people that knew what we were going through.
If only our schedule could feel like the norm for once. And the subject lines made sense to us.
Do you have questions? Do you have answers?
Let’s help each other not feel so alone…
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My son is almost 11 and although he has made amazing strides since his diagnosis of autism at 3. I still don’t know what the future holds for him. It used to be; the worst thing was not knowing. Not knowing if he would ever speak or know how much his family loved him. Not knowing if he would still be screaming and slamming doors every waking hour when he was 15. I had to put the mommy books away and instead of looking years into the future I looked at the next hour and the next day just to get us through the hell. The future is still terrifying but he’s here and today was a good day for him. Having a child with the level of disability my son has is terribly isolating.
Other parents don’t understand why I react the way I do when my son screams (PTSD) and acts out and I don’t have the energy or the time to foster a friendship I’m not sure is going to last. I hope this helped.
You ask if he’ll watch Barney forever. I’m an autistic adult and I was that kid too. I watched through the 5th grade. I remember being excited for snow days because I normally had to leave for school before it ended, and cancelled or delayed school meant I could actually finish for once. I stopped watching it around the time I started middle school. I don’t know if it will be the same for Cooper, but you’re not alone in this.
Wait a minute- wouldn’t that be a useful idea to put together some sort of “Babycenter” or “Bump” weekly updates for parents of children with autism? We need something too! It’s nice for children to experience inclusion and also us parents need that too. It doesn’t have to be negative rather hopeful. Each week our children DO move forward it’s just much slower. ?
Noah learned to use deodorant when we let him pick out the one he wanted. Now we say “Noah did you do three swipes?”. It’s a comedy routine because he’ll yell “I forgot!!!” and run to do so.
He also eventually stopped getting naked to pee. Really is that an autism thing or a guy thing? ?