When Jealousy Surprises You

There are many topics in the world of special needs parenting that are taboo to talk about.

Self Injurious Behaviors. Aggression. Puberty. Depression. Jealousy.

As parents we don’t talk about them out of fear. Fear of being judged by people outside of our world. People that don’t understand.

Or we worry that people will think badly of our children. Or our parenting skills. So, we stay quiet.

I know this unique isolation all too well.

Well, lately I’ve been feeling an emotion that I don’t feel very often. It’s even caught me a little off guard.

I’ve been feeling jealous.

At first it took me by surprise. I mean, I have three beautiful children. A happy marriage. I have my health. A job that I love. We just bought our dream home last April.

I am happy. Most of the time.

But, it didn’t seem to matter.

I could feel something brewing beneath the surface.

I’d log into Facebook and see yet another friend flying off to some tropical destination. I’d see their kid’s smiling faces at Disney. I’d see them sitting on a beach with a drink in hand.

And suddenly I’d feel jealous.

And the jealousy would be even worse if they had an autistic child.

I’d think about how my son can’t travel. He can barely leave the house let alone get on an airplane.

I mean our big goal for 2019 is that he can go to a grocery store.

I’d find myself jealous of eight year old boys. Of little kids in my family.

I’d be jealous of kids playing. Sledding. Playing hockey.

Of families going out to dinner. Relaxing. Playing.

I’d see them out and think…’you don’t know how good you have it.’

Or I’d see a photo of someone with their new baby. All smiles. And I’d wonder if they worried about autism.

If they watched every movement. Listened for every sound. I’d wonder if they worried so much that they almost couldn’t sleep.

I’d feel jealous that autism was just a word for them. Not a reality.

I even started getting jealous of my husband. He didn’t worry like I did. He didn’t think about Cooper’s future. And who will care for him.

Or I’d be jealous that he got to take our typical son snowmobiling. Or to hockey practice.

I found myself jealous of people that I loved. Of my own friends. Of people that seemed to be living carefree. Of people that didn’t know my life.

This so wasn’t like me.

Honestly, I was disappointed in myself. But deep down, I knew I couldn’t be alone in my thinking.

I’ve still been scared to bring it up though.

Jealousy. It’s not pretty.

And I know that someone will comment mean things. That I should just be thankful. Blah, blah, blah.

It is what it is I guess.

So, I asked the followers in my Subscriber Group if they are jealous. I will be honest, I was nervous to ask.

Like I said above, talking about jealousy is not an everyday subject. But, I did it anyways.

Here are a handful of their comments. Remember, this journey can feel so isolating. But you are never alone.

Jealousy

I’m jealous of everyone. It’s been the worst part of this autism journey for me. I resent typical families. I’ve pulled away from my friendships because it’s too painful watching their similarly aged children excel. I’m an asshole for it but it is what it is. I can’t change how I feel and how hurt I feel.

I’m jealous of “typical” sibling relationships.

I’m jealous of the moms who complain about how busy they are with their children’s sports and activities.

I’m jealous of parents who can have conversations with their children. And I’m not over it. Especially when they say thing like “so and so is never quiet…” I would give so much for my kiddo to ramble on about everything and nothing.

I’m jealous of families without special needs kids. I see all my friends with their kids doing all these fun things, and having full conversations with their kids, and my kids look right thru me half the time. Both my kids are autistic and some days I wish we could either have or adopt a third that isn’t autistic, just so I could have one “normal” child.

I do get jealous but more about what my son won’t ever get to do or have. Like drive, live on his own, go to college. I get jealous of other families that go out to restaurants as a family and I can’t with my son. It’s hitting me harder now that he just turned 18. My other friends kids are driving and leaving home going to college.

Most recently I got jealous about parent teacher nights (IEP for us) I broke down saying it’s not fair that I have to sit around a table listening to ten people taking turns saying what’s “wrong” with my kid or how she’s not making goals. When other parents just meet with the teacher and hear all the great things about their kid.

My husband and how autism has not impacted his life as much as mine. He still has his friends. His hobbies. His f-ing hobbies. Ugh. His job. His sleep since I only work teaching part time now. And here I am. My identity swallowed by it. I have been working hard lately to dig out of this hole and figure out how to be myself again. I am trying not to be jealous of people and I am generally not. But I am most jealous of my pre-autism self.

I’m jealous all the time to be honest. I’m jealous of my brothers kids, I’m even jealous of my own typical stepkid because it feels like it’s so easy for her(she lives with us). I’m jealous of moms who sleep at night without all the worry. I’m jealous of parents who have their children home with them when one of mine has been residential treatment for over four years… thank you for addressing this because I’d love to know I’m not alone.

Remember, you are not alone. Parenting is hard in general. And parenting a child with special needs adds a whole new set of rules. It’s okay to be jealous. We’ve all be there.

A huge thank you to my subscribers, ‘Cooper’s Troopers,’ for providing feedback on this topic!

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Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook, subscribe for exclusive videos, and subscribe to our newsletter.