Are you Done?

I had three babies in three years. Shortly after I had my last baby people began to ask, “Are you done?”

Sometimes kidding and sometimes serious, but it always felt like a punch in the gut.

My dream was four or five children, but after Jackson’s diagnosis and three babies, four or five was just not in the cards for us.

I’m finally accepting that we are done, and I’m ok with that.

Now when I think about my family I think of our Jackson boy. Our four year old autistic son who is obsessed with numbers, letters, puzzles and spends most of his life in his own world. And our two amazing girls, Mackenzie and Delaney.

I think it’s exactly as it was meant to be.

Jackson was 16 months when Mackenzie was born. I had visions of their first meeting, pictures together, him asking to hold his baby sister. But it was clear when I brought her home things were not going to happen that way.

Jackson either completely ignored her existence or he screamed every time she made a noise.

After Mackenzie was two months we called early intervention. By the time she was 6 months she was attending all of Jackson’s therapy sessions.

Fast forward a few more months and we had an official diagnosis. Mackenzie is not even three yet and she is one of the best ABA therapists we have.

Every day she works with her brother to help him “use his words”. She works on turn taking, having him make eye contact and having a calm body.

Jackson’s BCBA jokes she already has a job when she turns 18.

Every day this little girl spends hours in therapies where the focus is never on her and we ask her to act way beyond her years. She does it all to help her brother whom she loves more than anything and who she has no idea is autistic.

He is just Jackson who needs help looking and talking, who hums and jumps when he gets excited and likes to watch the same thing on the tv over and over and over. She is truly an autism sibling hero.

Jackson’s diagnosis came exactly one month after I found out I was pregnant with baby number three. She was not planned and I am thankful every day for this surprise.

Not only did I know I wanted more than two kids, but I would have been too scared to try after the diagnosis.

The pregnancy also forced me to keep it together during some of the worst days of my life.

In the days, weeks, and months after the diagnosis I was so sad and scared, but I had to make sure to eat right, get enough sleep and take care of myself. My baby needed it. And I needed it.

I prayed it was a girl. Mackenzie needed and deserved a playmate. Delaney is now 18 months.

She is different than Mackenzie. She pushes Jackson’s buttons. She steals his toys and gets in his space – but then a few minutes later is smothering him with hugs and kisses.

These relationships force him to come out his world every single day and I’m so thankful these girls do it without even knowing how huge it is.

So, when people ask me “Are you done?” they have no idea how much goes into that answer.

How much has happened in my family to make that question that was once so difficult an easy answer now.

Yes, we are blessed with the three children we were meant to have. Our autistic hard working Jackson and his amazing and loving sisters.

Written by, Colleen Smith

My name is Colleen Smith. I am a stay at home mom to three crazy kids four and under. Jackson is our oldest and was diagnosed right after his second birthday. His two younger sisters are figuring this journey out with his dad and I!

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