It Will Be Okay

Today I watched my almost three year old run into the street in front of a car. It wasn’t how I planned. It wasn’t what I THOUGHT was going to happen. But it happened.

I will literally never forget that moment, for as long as I live. Deep into a meltdown, he ran.

I’m grateful to the driver who was (luckily) paying attention and spared my sons life.

Backtrack- Dylan was diagnosed at 2 years and 3 months, which was 10 months ago. He’ll be 3 in February.

We knew from about 9 months old that something wasn’t right. I have members in my immediate family who are on the spectrum so I knew what signs to search for, which I’m forever grateful for.

Having that knowledge and information from the get-go is not something every parent is lucky enough to have, but I count my blessings each day I didn’t listen to the masses and ignore his obvious signs.

Fast forward to today. 4 days a week Dylan is in early intervention, 2 days in speech therapy and 1 day in occupational therapy.

It has done so much for him, his father and I, that I can’t imagine where we’d be if we hadn’t sought help.

But at this point, the older he gets, the more uncontrollable he becomes.

He’s better at communication, though he’s technically non-verbal, but he understands and finds ways to communicate his wants and needs with us. But the tantrums, the meltdowns, the fears and phobias, lack of acceptance for new environments or foods, the rigidity, the inability to regulate his moods, it’s wearing me down.

I love my son. That’s given. I have never once wished he wasn’t autistic.

I’d go to any length to support him and his needs. But that doesn’t mean I’m not tired. Depressed. Anxious. Nervous. Fed up.

I find myself worrying, thinking of what it would be like when he’s older and bigger and I can’t manage him physically out of a store or the car.

I panic at the thought of it. I find myself questioning if I’m even cut out for this.

As I sit here and write this, I’m watching him rub the end pieces of a macrame hanging we have on the wall on his sweet baby face. Silently enjoying how soft the cotton ropes are.

Enjoying the new textures he’s usually incapable of getting near. Watching his little face look to me for guidance and attention.

I’m sobbing, thinking that I’m not good enough for him. He needs more. More from me and his father, more from his tutors and therapists. More from life.

But he isn’t even 3. We still have time.

We will figure it out. We will make it work. The 3 of us. We’ve made it this far.

The tantrums won’t last forever. The meltdowns will lesson in the violent and extreme sense.

The speech will come. The speech WILL come.

I remind myself daily these things aren’t forever. But my love for him is. I allow myself to feel and worry and panic so that I can appreciate the moments where I have it all together. When I’m able to get it done.

My advice to you, the mom, dad or caregiver reading this, hoping to find some solace or similarity; it will be OK. This hard time isn’t going to last forever.

You will come across good and bad no matter what, but remember this too WILL pass.

Your beautiful child is the most unique and wonderful thing there is. They will thrive, as long as we are there behind them, supporting them the entire way. No matter what.

Each day will be different. They’ll change on you in a second.

They’ll run into oncoming traffic to prove a point and you’ll question what you’re even doing and how you’re going to do it. But it will be OK.

Cry when you need to. Laugh when you can. Hold them tight and appreciate the little mind developing before your very eyes.

It’s the most beautiful thing in this world.

Written by, Samantha Pisarczyk

Stay at home mom to a beautiful autistic toddler.

Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook, subscribe for exclusive videos, and subscribe to our newsletter.

Interested in writing for Finding Cooper’s Voice? LEARN MORE