When Saying “Enough” is OK

“So your saying that Hudson was recommended for speech therapy…but he isn’t currently receiving those services?”

My eyes dropped down to the table in front of me. Without making eye contact with the therapist, I responded “No. I just couldn’t get him to one more appointment during the week.”

Boom! Immediate mom guilt set it, and along with it came a flood of emotions that I wasn’t prepared for.

First: GUILT

How could I as a mother not provide my child with a therapy service that he was recommended for? After all, in the one that requested the formal evaluation.

I’m the mom that has to help others understand what he is saying. My child is the one who is having to repeat himself when I give him a blank stare because I’m not sure what he is saying.

How dare I go out with my friends, get a pedicure, take a nap when my child needs services that he isn’t getting, all because I’m too selfish to rearrange our schedule to accommodate his needs.

Next: ANGER

How dare you judge me for not taking him to speech therapy! You don’t know me or my family!

Do you know that I also have three other kids at home who need their mom? That my husband and I are foster parents, with foster kids who have weekly appointments for their own therapist and caseworkers!

How dare you make me doubt my worth as a mother simply because I don’t take Hudson to speech! Do you know that one a weekly basis, I take him to PT, OT, preschool, special education, OT again, special education again, play therapy, BSC services and 25 hours of TSS services—- and that’s only for Hudson!

Remember those three other kids? They have needs too!

Then: SADNESS

Part of me felt sad that Hudson was recommended for speech. We knew that with a diagnosis of autism came additional needs, but part of me was wishing it didn’t.

I felt sad that instead of playing at home, I would “drag” him to therapy every Friday. I felt sad that instead of playing at home with Harper (our beautiful three year old!) I was asking for someone to babysit her so she wouldn’t get stuck sitting in the waiting room.

I felt sad that our life wasn’t typical, and that I needed to be having this conversation with the therapist in the first place.

Finally: STRENGTH

Ya know, I’m a good mom! The number of hours of therapy services a week does not define me.

The number of appointments, goals on an IEP, progress notes, evaluations, expert opinions, even Hudson’s behaviors do not define me as a mother. But you know what does? Happy kids!

Kids who come home and give me the biggest hug imaginable. Foster kids who call you “mom” because for the first time, they feel true love! Sleepy kids tucked in a night feeling safe- those are the things that define me, and I’m proud of that!

Do I wish I have more hours in the day to take Hudson to speech therapy? Sure. But in this moment, we have enough.

I AM ENOUGH! 

Written by, Lyndsay Gardner

I  am the momma to amazing Hudson, my almost 4 year old with autism! We little in little old Lititz Pa, the coolest small town in America! (Honest,
Google it!) In addition, to me, I live in a crazy house with my husband and three other amazing kiddos!

Interested in writing for Finding Cooper’s Voice? LEARN MORE

Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook and subscribe to our newsletter.