The Little Boy that I Get to Know

I love you my son and I’m so, so, so, very proud of all the progress you’ve made in the last couple of years.

You’re now at the age where we can really see your autism. You’re at the age where people know when we go out that you’re ‘different.’

Hopefully all of us Mama’s and Dada’s have raised enough awareness that they know you have autism when they stare at you.

It’s ok. I see you looking at them. You know they’re staring you don’t care and guess what…I don’t care either, haha.

I don’t care because you’re so much more than the repetitive flap they’re staring at.

You’re so much more than the smack you just gave yourself to the face.

You’re so much more than the fit you’re throwing to get out of the Caroline cart and walk around like the other kids. Because guess what…you’re stronger than all of us.

You’re making it through the store, mall, zoo, amusement park, restaurant the best way you know how to.

So what if you have to do all those things to make it through the bright blinding lights, the millions of sounds we can filter out but you can’t, all of the different smells that make your body ache because you smell so many, on top of all the mental and physical pain you’re fighting through just to make Mom, Dad, and your family happy that you’re out with us all.

When I say that you’re my hero I want you to know that you truly are. You really, really, really honestly truly are.

I couldn’t imagine wanting to say so much and knowing what I wanted to say but my mouth wouldn’t let me.

I want you to know that once you’re so sound asleep, I lay awake in bed and often can’t sleep just imagining this thought alone.

Recently, I’ve mentally put myself in a state because I wanted to feel what it felt like to want to speak and know I wanted to speak but couldn’t.

And I want you to know, WOWWWWW I get your fears, frustrations, sadness, madness and so much more. It was the scariest thing I’ve ever felt.

I want you to know I’m so sorry that you have to feel this way. And since that day I’ve been working so very hard for you. Harder than I’ve ever worked for anything.

And I see in your eyes you can tell I’m working so hard and you recognize the change.

Thank you bubby for showing me through those beautiful blue eyes of yours that you see me and you see me working overtime.

You look so, so, so, deep into my eyes deeper than anyone has ever looked and it’s the best feeling in the world in that moment.

In that moment I hear your heart through your eyes.

You love me so very much. And I take away your fears, worry and anxiety in those deep moments.

I want you to know I would stare at you and only you every single second of the day if it would forever take those feelings away.

Thank you for choosing me to be your person and choosing me to see the little boy that no one else gets to see.

Until the pieces fit together my beautiful 7 year old blue eyed boy.

Written by, Cassi Cook

Feel free to follow Deegan’s journey on Facebook at Deegan’s fight with Autism. Have a blessed, beautiful day and remember you don’t have to live your future and your past today. Live today only because if you try the contrary it hurts and it’s hard, really hard.

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Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook and subscribe to our newsletter.