Thank You to the Man who Chose Himself

Thank you to the man who chose himself over his child:

Being a single mom is really hard. Being a single mom to a special needs child is next level.

I never realized the strength I had inside of me.

You helped me release these very primal instincts when it comes to our son, that I had no idea existed. I share such a rare and special bond with him because he is all I had for so long. It was just he and I everyday.

There isn’t a person in this world who understands him like me. Thank you for making that possible.

When Deacon was diagnosed you weren’t there. You told everyone and yourself it’s because you had to work. But if we are being honest we both know it’s because you didn’t care.

When they confirmed what I already knew I didn’t shed a tear. Not for a long time at least.

I hadn’t really processed it or even understood what autism would mean for my life. When I called to tell you that they diagnosed him with autism, you had no emotion.

You said “it will be okay” and then rushed to get off the phone. But it wasn’t okay, you acted as if this was no big deal.

You still act that way. I still wonder if you have the slightest clue what autism even is.

Our son has severe autism.

You have no idea what that means for his life because you don’t know anything about autism or his autism.

You don’t care to figure it out either, and if you did you would’ve tried. You would be there for him.

You would be present for IEP meetings and ABA meetings etc. But you aren’t. And because you aren’t, I make sure I am always fighting for the best for him.

Thank you for that.

Because you never cared to learn about autism for our son, it made me care more.

The day after he was diagnosed I rushed to the library and checked out every book about autism they had. I read them all within two weeks.

Each night after I finally got him to sleep, I read. I couldn’t stop.

Then I started chasing therapies. I put him in every single therapy I could.

Just like any mom, I was determined to help my child. Nothing was going to stop me.

I am still that same parent to him, I always will be. I am his biggest advocate. Because for the longest time I was his only advocate. Thank you for that.

I can’t count the number of nights I spent alone, crying.

I was terrified of the future. I had no clue what I was doing. I had no support. I was in this alone.

There was no one who understood how I was feeling, not even you, his father.

So, I cried at night. But during the day I was busy fighting. Fighting for services, funding, therapy, and for doctors to understand my child. You never cared.

You didn’t understand how important early intervention was. I did. I knew. I built and found my village for him. But would I have understood how important and crucial it was if you didn’t care?

I guess I’ll never know, but I’ll thank you for that anyways.

Our son has severe nonverbal autism. He was diagnosed at 20 months old. He is seven now.

You still have no idea what that means. Do you stay up at night worrying about what will happen when you are no longer here to care for him? I do.

I’m thankful our relationship finally ended. It was killing me to watch you live your life so normally after his diagnosis.

Spending every night with your friends going out drinking, while I was home researching. I cared enough for the both of us because you never cared at all. Thank you for that.

When our relationship finally ended I met the love of my life and our son’s best friend.

He bends over backwards to be a part of as much as he can for our son.

He holds him down during violent meltdowns. He gets bit, kicked, slapped, his glasses knocked off his face, you name it.

He has created a savings for our sons future. He is in this for the long haul.

He knows our son will always need our care and that’s okay with him. He is happy being stuck at home with us everyday.

He is okay giving up his so much of his life to ensure our son can live his best life. I wouldn’t have him if it weren’t for you not caring.

Our son wouldn’t have him. Thank you for that.

While you aren’t completely absent from his life. You might as well be.

You put forth the bare minimum effort.

I allow it because I know our son loves you. Do you ever wonder how much it hurts to lie and tell him you are working when he uses his device to say “I want dad.”

I’m so grateful he doesn’t understand. He is doing great.

I make sure he has everything he needs to thrive in this world that doesn’t understand him. He is learning and communicating so well on his device.

He has completely changed who I am and my views on this world. I have so much more compassion for people.

I never realized how strong I was, until I had to be.

Thank you for helping mold me into the woman I am today. I am the mother I am because I had to be. You didn’t care but I did. I always will.

I don’t know if I would be the woman and mother I am if you hadn’t cared. I might have. But I’ll thank you for it anyways.

Written by, Kyleigh Maxwell

My name is Kyleigh. I am a mother of two children. A two year old little girl and a 7 year old little boy. My son deacon has severe nonverbal autism. I want to help educate the world on the severe side of autism. You can follow our journey on Facebook at Use Your Words.

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Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook and subscribe to our newsletter.