When I Think about Reality
When I was pregnant with our third baby, Jamie and I would talk about our worries over introducing another little one to the family.
There were two of us. There would be three of them.
We’d be going from man-to-man to zone defense. But there was more to it than just that.
Our son Cooper, who was 7 at the time, and now 8, didn’t have any self care.
That means we dress him. We put his shoes on. We still feed him many of his meals.
He doesn’t grab his own snacks or even drinks. He doesn’t brush his own teeth. We bathe him. We still wipe him.
We hold his hand everywhere we go. We open his car door. And buckle him in his seat.
He is still very much like a toddler. A busy, big, strong toddler.
Our six year old can do almost all of these things already. So we see the contrast quite blatantly.
Yes, we work EVERY SINGLE day on teaching him independence from us. It is a work in progress.
We aren’t giving up. We are giving him the skills. But we also don’t know what the future holds either.
At 9 months pregnant, I pictured feeding a baby spoonful’s of baby food and feeding Cooper his yogurt. I was so worried about it.
How would I be able to provide all of his cares while nursing. Or with my hands full all the time.
Tonight, I put Cooper’s shoes on while holding Harbor. I realized my worry had become my reality.
I have also realized I am very much able to do both. I’ve adapted.
But as I smelled my newborn’s head and looked at my 8 year olds oblivious beautiful face, I felt pretty sad.
He’s never once said to us…’I’ll do it’ like our other son did at 18 months.
I let myself quickly think about the day Harbor passes his brother by. And about their 8 year age difference.
I let myself think about my age. Will I be bending down to put on shoes and wash hair in the bathtub forever?
Sometimes the things that make me sad come out of nowhere and grab ahold of me.
Then I shoved those thoughts way down deep inside where I keep those feelings. Locked inside. Saved for another day. When I’m ready.
And I grabbed the positive. The to-do. And made a goal.
We will double down on teaching Cooper self care. We will try harder. We won’t give up.
He can do it. And if for some reason he can’t, I will know we did everything in our power to try.
Also, on a side note, tonight I read a comment that said my blog is too sad. The commenter said it was depressing actually. And that she worried about my mental health.
I’ve thought about that comment for a few hours now.
I do share the hard parts. And I allow guest bloggers to do the same. I do this because the hard parts are the most isolating. No one talks about them. And if we do, we are shamed.
I won’t stop sharing the hard parts. Or lie about the struggles. Because if I do, the realness will be gone. Then what’s the point.
And there is so much beauty in all of this.
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No, no, no, I totally disagree that your blog posts are sad. They are real and honest. Parenting a child with autism is hard and heartbreaking at times, but it’s incredibly important that we all share our struggles as well as out joys. It makes me, for one, feel less lonely and I’m pretty sure it’s that way for others too.
I love ever time I read your post it makes my world seem a lot less lonely.. Sometimes as a mom in general it’s scary and hectic,then you add a child on the spectrum to the mix . It can be all you can do to make it thru the days. I love my son and can not even imagine life with out him and how he shaped me to be a better person
I feel that you’re spoiled him that’s why he didn’t want to break your teeth that’s why you don’t you don’t learn him to to do thing on his own I very sorry I has to tell the truth ?❤️
I mean bush his teeth can can’t dressed himself up you you baby him to much you got try tell here put his cloiste how to that but no harm done I very sorry u missusandering that why I got re fix please please try tell to this why not baby him that he want you to be him sorry kate
Eleanor, you obviously don’t have a child on the spectrum as you have no understanding.
Unfortunately I can’t actually understand what you are saying because your grammar is so poor but I will give it a try. But first, let’s be clear. Are you telling me that my son is this way because I’ve babied him? It’s not the fact that has Apraxia…a disorder that affects the use of his mouth and hands. It’s not the fact that he has severe autism. Or an intellectual disability. It’s because I babied him? Well, THANK THE LORD. Because then, if I just simply stop babying him…this will all be fine. I can give him a toothbrush and this will all be okay. Silly me. I’ve been over here worrying about life long care and his wellness. NO need to worry anymore. You my friend are a genius. I am so glad you follow my blog. Have you considered writing and sharing all of your worldly knowledge with my followers. Please do send something my way. If not, please kindly move on. -Kate
Your posts are realistic, and sometimes reality CAN be sad. That’s ok! Owning the struggle and expressing it is better than stuffing it down and away. Being real is a superpower. Keep up the great work!
I’m a little late in replying as I’ve just joined the group. So far everything I’ve read or watched has been very informative & uplifting. The hard parts that are talked about give us something to sympathize with you. I look forward to more videos from you.