The Dark Place

I wanted to share something that any Autism parent will understand. It is a place that we all have been.

It’s called the dark place.

I go there at night when everyone is asleep.

It’s when the reality and fears set in of being a parent to a special needs child.

The what will happen when I’m gone place.

The how will they be able to have a life of their own and build a meaningful and reciprocal relationship place.

The who will care for them when I’m not here place.

The tears accompany me in this place like friends to my emotions. No one in my family truly understands the depth of my worries.

Yes, the energy you put out into the world will come back to you. Well, when you are an Autism mom, you have two energies; the one that you carry during the waking hours to help guide your children and the one that you live with in the dark night hours that never goes away.

I pray everyday and every night for their well-being, their health and their happiness. They are incredible souls with so much life and love to give.

There are days when I take them places and we have a wonderful time. There are days that I come home and cry because of how difficult one outing is for them.

I remember sitting in my car crying 9 out of 10 times when they were infants and toddlers. I would almost always have to leave a play date or outing because it was overwhelming.

Those times are becoming less and less, but they still exist.

I remember a family function that the girls and I attended. They were doing so well and the entire weekend was a success minus one small moment during a family photo op.

My oldest started to break down just as we were all gathering for a picture. The stimuli had become overwhelming for her and as I am trying to help her through the episode, a dear relative was yelling at me and making threats of taking something away from her because I wouldn’t pick her up and drag her over for the photo.

I was so pissed off and hurt that NO ONE in my close family understood what she was going through.

I expressed my anger to others and they just seemed irritated themselves at how I felt about it. Someone in my extended family came over to her and showed her empathy and kindness and gentleness. He was able to help her transition.

This person was not anyone close to her, but he made all the difference in the world. Thank you Art!

So you see, no one truly knows, no one can truly understand the depths of emotion and energy it takes to be a parent of a special needs child unless they themselves have one.

I will continue to have hope, evoke positive, loving energy because the alternative is grim.

However, this dark place will co-exist inside and I must learn to live with it and accept it as my reality.

My girls, Ava and Mia are a blessing from God. They have been sent here to teach me and to make me a better human! All I want is for them to be ok.

Written by, Cassandra Rhodes

I am a mom. Four Words that carry so much weight and so much reward. My girls have Autism and they are part of the generation that will take on the world when I am gone. My job as mom, is the only job in this world that I MUST get right!

Interested in writing for Finding Cooper’s Voice? LEARN MORE

Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook and subscribe to our newsletter.