Dreams Change

“When he is older he will be grand”, “he’ll grow out of it”, “ah you would never know looking at him”. Just some comments that are frequently said to me about my little boy.

The reality is people just don’t get it.

When you become a parent, you dream of doing so much with your little baby as they grow.

Trips to the cinema, out for ice cream together, trips to the beach, or just out for a walk holding hands. I dreamed of all of these things too.

I hoped for so many fun days with my little boy, days filled with amusement parks, candyfloss, and a bag of chips on the way home.

I dreamed of big birthday parties, holidays away, and days when we would just cuddle in bed together and watch movies.

I dreamed of the conversations we would have, the cheeky little boy he would become, and I wondered how I would ever give out to him when he was so cute.

That smile. Those eyes. Boy they would break hearts.

I had a lot of dreams. Dreams that are “normal” to other families. Actually they are probably things others take for granted.

Like hearing your child call you mommy, telling you they love you, or just telling you how their day went.

My dreams however have been altered, amd that is because of one word. One tiny word came crashing into our lives and it changed everything.

Autism has robbed me of so many of my dreams. It has changed parenthood, turned it upside down and back to front.

The reality is my little boy cannot cope with every day things. Amusement parks cause a sensory overload, the texture of candyfloss makes him sick, and it’s hit and miss whether he will eat, let alone if chips are on the menu if he does.

I cannot keep him safe because he is such a runner but we have an amazing service dog to make sure he cannot run. How bad is that? When you cannot keep your 5 year old safe, but a gorgeous doggy can.

Autism has robbed me of his little voice. A voice I so long to hear.

I wish we could have the little conversations I had dreamed of. I wish we could speak about his school days, who his friends are, what he wants for dinner, or that he could even tell me to go away if I annoyed him.

I wish I knew what was going on inside that beautiful brain. How he sees the world. Why some things are so frightening. I wish I knew why logos are so fascinating, or why he adores the colour yellow.

I wish I knew a lot of things. Things I might never know.

When Riley was small I had so many dreams for him. He would grow up, go to college, have a big job. He would have girlfriends, go to discos, ask me for money to go to the cinema with girls. I had so many expectations.

Now that has all changed.

Now I wonder will he ever have a girlfriend. Never mind a girlfriend, will he have friends? Will kids get him?

I wonder will he ever have a job? Will he be able for school? I wonder will I ever drop him off at a disco? Will I ever see him live independently?

I wonder is my little boy going to be with me for life? And you know what if he is, I’m ok with that, even if it was not how things were meant to be.

He will never “grow out of it”. Autism is never going to leave our lives, and you know what it is ok to say that it is hard. It is draining. And it pushes you to your limits.

It is ok to say it is not fair and it is not the way things were meant to be. That is reality for so many parents.

I had so many hopes, so many dreams, so many expectations when Riley was a baby. The funny thing is now I only have one.

I want him to be happy.

Once he is happy that is all that matters.

Anything else we can deal with together.

Dreams change, and that can be a pretty hard pill to swallow. But that does not mean I love him any less. It does not mean I have no faith in him. It does not mean I have bowed down to autism.

I have simply reassessed what is important.

And his happiness is the only thing I need.

Written by, Nicole Duggan

Nicole is the mom to a gorgeous little boy who is going through an amazing journey after being diagnosed with Autism. I highly encourage you to follow her page, My Boy Blue, on Facebook. It’s fantastic!

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Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook and subscribe to our newsletter.