The Day Everything Changed

April 20th, 2017. This is a day I will NEVER forget!

A day I had waited so long for but dreaded at the same time.

Today was Jaxon’s evaluation day!

We woke up that morning and my stomach was already in a knot but we got ourselves ready and dropped our older son Dom off at school.

Our appointment was for 10am and I was determined to be early.

I told myself I wanted to just get it over with because I already knew what was coming. I had already been grieving this for months.

I also kept thinking how sorry I felt for my husband Brad.

I was “ready” for this but he had been so optimistic and strong through this journey that this was bound to finally hit him like a ton of bricks.

I remember walking through the front door and being asked to wait by some chairs while they made sure they were “ready for us”.

Ready for us?

I’m not sure I’m ready for them.

I could already feel the tears welling up in my eyes as I heard the woman ask us to please follow her. We walked down a hallway and came up to a line of people who were introducing themselves as we passed.

They were all very important people I’m sure but I didn’t hear a thing they said and not one of their names.

It wasn’t a very long hallway but I can tell you I had a million things running through my head on that short walk.

How did we get here?

Why is this happening to us?

What had I done differently in my pregnancy with Jaxon than I did with Dom?

This must be my fault!

To sum it up Jaxon went through a series of different tests with different people while Brad and I were asked a series of questions about family health and history.

At the end of it all they asked us once again to please wait in an area until they called us back for the results.

It didn’t take long and a woman motioned us into an office where we sat in 2 chairs while Jaxon sat with a fire truck on the floor.

There had to be 10 people in that room all just trying to not make eye contact with us.

See this is the part I’m sure they hate…Changing people’s lives in a few short words.

They started to explain that while Jaxon did some “nice things” at times during testing that he was reacting at the level of a 4 month old.

They went on to say how his speech is severely delayed and that “The Doctor is going to go ahead and give him a diagnosis today of Severe Autism Spectrum Disorder and Global Developmental delays”.

It only took a second to realize the words they just said. They say it to you like their reading you the daily specials off a menu.

“Going to go ahead and give him that today”? NO!

What if we don’t want that given to our sweet boy today!

I started shaking and crying trying so hard to hold it in as these strangers all stared and fumbled for tissues. The funny part is they give you this life changing news and just as quickly ask if you have any questions?

Questions?

I can’t even breath right now of course I have questions!

I have a million questions but the only one I could muster up was…Do you think he’ll ever be able to speak?

Now in retrospect how could these people answer that question but like I said it was the only one I could get out at the time and frankly the most important.

They all looked at me with pity and then to each other finally responding with “There are a lot of different ways Jaxon can learn to communicate with you”.

Seriously??

Of course there are but I don’t care I want my baby to talk!!!

I knew I had to pull it together and get myself out of there. Brad was calm as usual just gathering up the diaper bag and Jaxon while they already whisked me aside to discuss “aggressive treatments”.

They wanted me to start these right away and asked me to start picking through dates for appointments he would need to have.

I think I picked the first date they gave just to hurry things up and as I held the pen to sign with my hand shaking terribly the nurse practioner put her arm around me almost to brace me while I finished the paper work.

I managed to get through all of that and to the car but the second I got in and shut the door I fell apart.

Once again here was Brad holding me and telling me it would all be ok.

I was grateful to have such a strong partner but at times felt myself frustrated with him just wanting him to show some emotion. Cry, scream, hit something.

Anything.

Just show me that it bothered him as much me as it did me. I’m sure he dealt with it and still deals with it in his own way as I do in mine and I’ve learned to respect that.

I almost had to laugh for a second on that ride home at how strong I thought I’d be so prepared for this and Brad would be the one falling apart but that wasn’t the case.

I made a few calls on the car ride to give the news and as soon as I got in the door went straight up to our room where I remained for a few hours until there were no more tears to cry.

The next morning it hit me hard again but I knew I had to stop the pity party and pull it together.

This beautiful boy we were given needs his parents to be strong for him and that’s what I have been trying to do ever since.

It will be a year in April since his diagnosis and how fitting since April is Autism Awareness month. I have been present at every therapy session purchasing anything they may use at those sessions to work with Jax on my own at home.

He’s come a long way and continues to thrive. He’s still not really speaking but I try to have faith that someday it will come and if it doesn’t then I’ll continue to work with him and the therapists even more to help him communicate.

The holidays have been especially tough this year when I see posts about children singing in their Christmas concerts or finding their elves wondering will we ever get to have that experience?

Will my child ever be able to sing in a play or come home from school and tell me a funny story about his day?

I don’t know if this life ever gets easier but we will never stop fighting for this little boy or loving him with all we have.

We have recently just adopted a new baby Goldendoodle that will begin her training soon to be Jaxon’s therapy dog.

We are so excited for this new adventure!

Our lives may have changed that day but Autism or not Jaxon is the most happy, perfect sweet boy in our eyes and nothing can take that away from him or us.

Written by, Heather Gibson

You can follow our journey on Facebook at Jaxon’s Junction.

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