Hopefully Hurting
Another time comes that I must leave you behind so you can continue working on getting better; that raw pain in my chest returns, feels like I’m suffocating, like I can’t breathe.
Sometimes I think my heart could actually break.
It’s a stabbing pain that with each breath is more intense than the last. It feels like I’m carrying a ten thousands stones in my bones that with each step gets heavier.
A million little things race through my mind. Razor blades cover my throat that I feel small cuts each time I swallow.
In my stomach last nights dinner feels like it could purge from my body at any moment. Pure exhaustion has taken over all of me and I’m not sure how to go home again without you but I must.
I just wanted to close my eyes and disappear. Go to a place where pain doesn’t exist. Where that place is I don’t know.
I try to stuff the feelings and hold them back, pretending to the outside world that this doesn’t hurt. That this is normal.
I mean doesn’t everyone’s family deal with this?
I can’t talk because if I do this dam of stuffed emotions will collapse and the flood will begin. I fear that I will lose control, my vulnerability will be exposed and I can’t imagine sharing that with the world or those around me.
They say time heals all wounds. Maybe?
It’s hard. It’s hard to admit that I must heal from wounds caused from my seven year old son.
Somedays I feel robbed of a life that was promised to me in the “mommy” books. Those images in my mind.
A carefree little boy playing with cars, tractors, trains and dirt. LEGO towers and superheroes.
I was supposed to be upset about a messy house and stepping on legos that I’ve asked to be picked up for the 10th time. Instead I’m learning about protective equipment so I can keep my hair intact, bites from hurting as bad, ribs or internal organs from damage and methods to deflect should he aggress towards me again.
And the whole time I’m learning this images of the past run through mind like a filmstrip of the many episodes before.
I wish I knew what you were thinking when you look at me.
I wish I knew how to help you, how to reach you, how make everything better for you. But most importantly what I wish for you, HAPPINESS!
That is all I have ever wanted for you, autism or not, to have the best life you could possibly have. And even though some days are hard I will ever stop working to give you a life of happiness my little one.
It may look different than that of others but it’s yours; and you too deserve the same as everyone else!
“When you feel like you have nothing left hope is the one thing that keeps you going. Hope keeps you alive. Hope reminds us that there is still good in the world after the bad happens.”
Written by, Christina Maulsby
From the author: My name is Christina Maulsby. After the past year of two failed inpatients and one intensive outpatient my son is in an Institute intensive inpatient unit in Baltimore. He was having approximately 400 self injurious behaviors a day and 25-30 aggressions towards others daily. He has been in Baltimore since September. He lives in Iowa. It’s been an overwhelming experience, filled with both gratitude and deep sadness. Writing is the only way I have found to cope with all the feelings I am experiencing. You can follow their families journey at Talking for Two.
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