We are Just in the Thick of it Right Now

Jamie and I have been talking a lot lately about the future.

I think it’s because we are in the thick of it right now.

We have three kids. Three young kids. All boys. Busy, busy boys.

Busy schedules. Sports. Play dates. Therapy appointments. Families. Friends. Obligations.

Dogs. A constantly messy house. Mounds of laundry.

Careers. Trying to make money. Pay down debt.

Sleep deprivation.

We both want to get healthier. That means trying to eat right and get to the gym. We both want to find balance.

It’s like we are hamsters running in a wheel sometimes.

Sometimes running in the same direction. And sometimes, I swear we are running in opposite directions.

On top of that I am nursing a 12 week old baby. One who feels the need to use me as a human pacifier.

I barely feel human. I’m a milk machine. I’m lucky if I change my pajama bottoms let alone get dressed.

And of course autism.

Autism is a part of our lives. Woven into us seamlessly. We don’t know any different. But what we do know is that Cooper’s anxiety turns everything up to an eleven real fast.

Jamie and I are stretched thin. There is no denying it.

And of course we love it. We love our kids. We love the chaos. I feel obligated to say that sometimes even though all moms know it’s a given.

Still, there are very few breaks. We don’t get time away from kids. Breaks away from them are nonexistent.

I’m jealous of Jamie going to work and at the same time am dreading going back to work and leaving my baby.

By the end of the day neither of us has anything left to give. Once the kids are bathed and in bed he loads the dishwasher and I hook myself up to my breast pump.

By then it’s 11 and I know I’ll be up at 2 am and Cooper will be up at 5 am to start us all over again.

We are in the trenches of parenting right now.

It’s funny when you read blog posts online about young parents, they all have the same theme. They talk about how these are the days. The hard days. The never ending exhausting days.

But they are quick to point out how the days are long and the years are short.

Before we know it, these babies will be grown up and gone.

And every blog post has a happy ending. Because, the kids grow up.

Life slows down. We retire. We enjoy the second half of our lives. We travel. We enjoy the break we earned during the hard years.

And we will miss these long days of babies and chaos. We will have empty houses. Less laundry. There will be no more hockey games to run too.

This is what Jamie and I talk about.

We wonder if these blog posts were written for us…?

Our retirement looks different.

We have a son who needs lifelong care. When we look at his future we wonder about group homes, Medicaid, social security and his safety.

We wonder if he will grow up. Yes, you read that right. It’s not a negative statement. It’s a factual statement.

We don’t know if he will ever grow up or move out.

We may never be out of the thick of it.

Our life may always have the pitter patter of feet running up and down the hallway. It may always have blaring cartoons. Holding hands in parking lots. Scrubbing a head in the bathtub. Wiping a dirty mouth and bottom. A body crawling into bed with us. Wiping alligator tears.

I can almost picture Cooper sitting on Jamie’s lap when he’s 30. We will be old then.

Our nest may never be empty.

Our life may always be hugs and kisses. And joy from trains. Grunts and squeals while driving.

Babysitters. Tucking a little boy into bed.

This especially gets to us after long days and even longer nights.

I think we are both scared. Scared of forever. Scared of reality.

We wonder if we will be able to travel. Take off on a moments notice. Or move south for the winter.

Will their finally be time for happy hours? And the friends we’ve put off for so long.

Will we be able to reconnect? They say that couples finally get to really enjoy each other after the kids are gone. I wonder if we will have that? Or if we will always be a threesome.

Mom, Dad and Super Cooper.

Will we ever blissfully plan our days on our own schedules like retirees do?

We know the answer. And yet we still have periods of hope. And periods of denial. Followed by periods of acceptance.

We tell ourselves that we are just in the thick of it right now. It’s going to get easier.

The baby will stop nursing so often. He will be in Kindergarten before we know it. And Sawyer will get more self sufficient.

And Cooper, well, Cooper will continue to be our constant. Our center of gravity. Our home. We don’t know what the future holds for him. Not yet anyways.

We may be in the thick of it forever.

But I do know that we will learn to enjoy the unique beauty of our world because we will have the smiles, hugs, and giggles forever.

And there is something amazing about that as well.

Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook and subscribe to our newsletter.