My Transformation as a Mother
My “best” moment in regards to my daughter’s autism actually came on the heels of my worst. It had been a stressful week.
My mother was in town visiting. I was kinda-sorta halfheartedly still trying to potty train.
Kira was sitting on the toilet. I knew she had to pee but she was holding it. She started to fuss and threw her head back, hitting it on the toilet lid.
When she self-injures, which is rarely, it triggers something in me—immense frustration; almost rage. I
snatched her off the toilet and carried her back into the living room, shouting “Goddammit, why can’t I just have a normal kid?” (Mother-of-the-year moment.)
In the moments and days following that awful utterance, I felt the lowest I had felt since Kira’s diagnosis. But it was a turning point for me.
Until then, and certainly during that loss of temper, I had been making Kira’s autism all about me. MY frustration. MY heartbreak. MY inconvenience. MY fears and worries and “what if?”s.
But after reaching such a low point, I had what I can only describe as a transformation.
Yes, I still get frustrated. Yes, I still get sad. But I feel my joy in motherhood, without reservation, coming back little by little.
I’m finally able to love her for who she is without also mourning who she isn’t—and never was or would have been, despite the innocence of the first year of her life before autism made itself known.
And I know, without question, that if need be, I will gladly take care of her for the rest of my life—without resentment or anger.
It’s amazing how sometimes something wonderful comes out of something awful.
Kira….as long as I’m living, my precious baby you’ll be. I love you more than anything in the world.
Written by, Natasha Glotzbach
I’m a mom to a 2 1/2 year old girl with ASD, very limited verbal so far but no nonverbal prognosis yet, and a NT 10-month-old girl. I write at https://kegsparty.wordpress.
Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook and subscribe to our newsletter.
