You Can’t Let Cooper Win
This weekend I shared a photo of Cooper resting after a pretty brutal anxiety attack.
You can read about it HERE.
I wrote about how our family is at a unique crossroads.
We need to figure out how to manage his anxiety, give our other children a normal life and keep our sanity. i said anxiety won. And someone responded with…’you can’t let Cooper win.’
Like he was deliberately sabotaging our family outing.
I just shook my head when I read that. Cooper isn’t winning. No one is. We are actually all losing. We have no normal. No easy. No carefree. That is our reality.
Take a listen…
https://www.facebook.com/findingcoopersvoice/videos/2223749740982010/
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I have no experience with autism or anxiety in children, so I can’t say that I know what your going through. I just wanted to say first off, that I’m praying for each of you and praying that things get easier for sweet Cooper. ❤️ I also wanted to say how much I admire your strength and your courage. You are definitely a tough Momma and those three boys are so blessed to have a Momma like you. ?
First I’d like to say that I admire you so much for your honesty about autism. The autism that no one talks about, the things we’re all thinking as autistic parents and too afraid to say out loud for fear of judgement from others who don’t know autism. My son was diagnosed with autism when he was 2, they tell me they’re unable to put him on the spectrum because he’s too young. Nathan is nonverbal and sometimes we struggle to communicate, the anxiety is causes him sometimes, my heart just breaks for him, and if I could take it all away I would in a moment; I wish that on no one!! I find in my life those who are not intimately involved with autism are quick to judge, offer suggestions and point fingers. I’d like to think they don’t understand the hurtfullness of their judgement, but sometimes I’m not so sure. Anxiety is also hard for us, I have to plan and REALLY REALLY think about something as simple as going to the grocery store, consider every outing, every time we’re invited to meet someone at the park for a play date, or go to a birthday party, or meet someone at the beach… everything takes immense consideration and planning. I’m thankful for the true friends who understand, who continue to invite us knowing there is a very good possibility we won’t be able to go, and who still welcome my son with open arms. Those people are our village, and I will forever be thankful for them. You’re doing SUCH an AMAZING job. I don’t know Cooper, but I’m certain he feels it! Keep your head up! Stay close to your village, and try not to let the ignorance of others get to you (easier said than done I know!). You truly are an inspiration! So thank you, thank you, thank you for all you do!
I can relate to this so much! My youngest of three was diagnosed at two and I was so incredibly naive about the impact it was having and would continue to have on our family. For years I was so adamant that we attend everything together: plays, soccer games, birthday parties, play dates, etc. Inevitably every time we would have an incident/leave early or just have me and her in a quiet back room for hours, missing everything. It was so unfair to everyone and heartbreaking.
Throughout the years we have (1) taken two cars to events (fun!), (2)had one parent stay home with her, (3)leave her with a sitter and have a real ole bittersweet time without her and (3) all of us missed out.
My daughter is 21 and we have been doing this for 19 hard hard years. I wish I had an answer, it’s just a hodgepodge of sucky solutions to pick and choose.
Your honestly helps us all
You may find some useful information in the Angst movie, which is being shown Jan. 29th at 6:30pm at International School of Minnesota in Eden Prairie MN and also Feb. 13th at 7:00 pm at Oakland Middle School in Lake Elmo MN. See link below:
https://angstmovie.com/
First of all, you are a wonderfully thoughtful Mom! I agree with you. Leaving Cooper home with a sitter would not be the answer. He is your family and he should spend time with his Mom, Dad and brothers. I think a great option would be to have a caregiver come with you. Someone who earns his trust and your trust within the family. This might take some work and a bit of time. I know it’s easier said than done but I would want Cooper to be at birthdays, holidays ect.
I do think everything will fall into place when it is suppose to. Never doubt what you want for your family ! God bless your all your beautiful boys .
Don’t comment much but wanted to say thank you. My son is 4yrs old, he has severe autism, epilepsy, SPD. My life, the life of my older girls has forever changed. Going for a walk is incredibly stressful. Thanks for not bullshitting or showering us with lame positivity.
I heard in the video that you held Cooper to calm him down. Did you do that because of the anxiety or because he did hurt himself? In Sweden we work with something called LAB, low affectic behavior and the one and only time we can hold/touch someone is when the person have a risk to hurt someone bad or hurt himself bad. I understand that you do what needs to be done, i’m just curious because I work with people with autism too. I love to follow you and your families journey. ?
It’s hard enough dealing with the situation and you take it one step further and document all the while having a newborn. Really your an exceptional human being! I feel blessed that I’m able to go to events with our son bc it was not always that way. We can only go for an hour, but I’ll take it bc I know that some people like yourself hope and dream of that someday. Obviously very few people have experience with this and for those people that haven’t dealt with it should be very cautious of leaving comments. Thanks for all you do Kate ?
Kate,
I get this! We are experiencing the same thing. I have 3 kiddos in MN too, we do the juggling and a parent staying home. However we have minimal to no external support, it is so hard and the guilt of making the decision of who stays, goes or is left out stinks! It just sucks. I want my whole family together always but sometime that’s not reality and our other 2 need their moments not over shadowed by ASD and the behaviors and I say that more because we can ignore them but society can’t everyone has to make it a scene or issue. So I get this.