At the Crossroads of Anxiety and Acceptance
Today, our son’s anxiety won. I say that because his anxiety is like it’s own force. It’s a thing. It’s always present. Always lurking under the surface.
It always wins. It shuts him down and takes over.
We were supposed to take our family to a hotel to celebrate Christmas with our extended family. We made the huge, ginormous mistake of telling Cooper three days before. We needed him to try a swimsuit on to make sure it would fit. We messed up. Not him.
He couldn’t handle the anticipation. His anxiety quickly overtook him.
We knew today would be hard. But that was an understatement.
Today, he was like a hurricane.
He plugged a toilet with a whole roll of toilet paper. He filled our bathtub with shampoo, makeup, towels, soap and everything else he could find. He destroyed our living room. He hoarded. He flipped up couches searching for treasures. He screamed. He hit. He sobbed.
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Real life = baby wearing, kids crying, toilets plugs, exhaustion. #momtruth
But that’s actually not the point. He can’t help it. It’s not his fault. He is not to blame. He is having a terrible time.
We had to cancel. Eat the cost of the hotel room. Tell Sawyer he can’t go. Tell our family. Disappoint everyone. All because of anxiety. Anxiety that always wins.
The point is that as Jamie and I sit here recovering, we find ourselves at an inevitable crossroads. I knew it was coming. So did Jamie. We can’t continue living the life we want to live. We can’t stay in hotels. Or go on road trips. Or take our family to do something outside of our home. We have a child with severe autism.
And we’ve been dancing around it for a year or so now. Trying to keep one foot in the world we want to live. It’s time to fully accept where we are at. Where cooper is at.
It’s time too accept the life we were given. And let go.
And that my friends, is the hardest pill to swallow yet. Saying goodbye to not only what your life should be. But also the life you want.
He is resting now. Because anxiety won. It always wins. We need to accept that. And love him once he wakes up.
There are these beautiful moments once the anxiety passes. I can actually feel the stress leave his body. He smiles. Asks for a snack. I tickle him. Give him a dozen kisses. His body is so calm. He is so snuggly. And peaceful.
Sawyer is having a fun sleep over at his cousins house. I hear they are building a fort. Harbor is snoozing away. Jamie and I are having a glass of wine and binging netflix.
The anxiety is awful. But once it passes. There is nothing better.
We have tough days. But we always make it through. Our track record for surviving is 100%.
Thank you all for your support. Honestly, this community is what gets me through.
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