Heaven in the Midst of Hell

My youngest son was recently admitted into one of the best facilities in the county; Kennedy Krieger Institute Neurobehavioral Unit in Baltimore Maryland, where he will be for the next four to eight months minimum.

This comes after about a year of severe aggression towards our family, (mainly me), property destruction, elopement, disruptive behaviors and unbelievable self injurious behavior (at times over 400 times a day).

We sought several resources in Iowa, where we live, two inpatients facilities, both which were unable to provide him the help he needed.

We waited, hoped and prayed to receive the call that he would be the next to receive a bed in this prestigious facility.  Our call came on September 14 and his bed would be ready Tuesday, September 18-HEAVEN!

I left him in Baltimore on Saturday, September 22 in the hands of the best to head back to Iowa, to only hear updates via phone and not to see or hold him again until my next visit (October 20)-HELL!

Many asked how I was feeling once I arrived home.  The only way I could describe it was, it is like living in heaven in the mist of hell.

Do you know what heaven inside of hell feels like?  I do.

It’s the feeling you have when your heart is breaking. Your mind is conflicted.

Tears of gratitude, gratefulness and overwhelmed emotions collide with tears of sorrow, regret, anger and just pure sadness.

It’s leaving your baby thousands of miles away from you, yet knowing that he is in the best care imaginable.

It’s the hope that you have longed and prayed every night for, yet the fear that your scars bear that this too won’t work.

It’s knowing that your child has a chance but feeling the emptiness that settles inside your body.

Your life has suddenly stopped. The fear of violent outbursts subsidizes. The stampede of rages that screamed throughout the night are now silent.

The wrestling match to keep everyone safe have ended.

There are no more battle wounds, no more stands of missing hair, no more broken items, no more calls.

Healing for everyone.

Healing and treatment of you!  Rebuilding begins…heaven.

BUT you aren’t here and that hurts….Hell.

Written by, Christina Maulsby

From the author: My name is Christina Maulsby. After the past year of two failed inpatients and one intensive outpatient my son is in an Institute intensive inpatient unit in Baltimore. He was having approximately 400 self injurious behaviors a day and 25-30 aggressions towards others daily. He has been in Baltimore since September. He lives in Iowa. It’s been an overwhelming experience, filled with both gratitude and deep sadness. Writing is the only way I have found to cope with all the feelings I am experiencing.

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