If I Had It My Way
I’m someone who copes very poorly with the unknown. I like to KNOW what is going on and especially what is going to happen.
This is true to a much lesser extent with having MS (whose hallmark, as we know, is unpredictability) but I suspect this is because I’ve been doing so very well for the more than seven years since my diagnosis—it’s something that has faded into the distant background of my life as the more time passes without incident.
But ask anyone who knows me and they’ll tell you that I hate not knowing what’s coming and what to expect. I don’t even like having a “general idea” of the future—I want specifics.
Which, obviously, is impossible without a nonexistent crystal ball.
So, if I had it my way, I’d be able to time travel into the future.
Just for a moment, I’d like to look at Kira at 17. I’d like to see her, 15 years from now, and see what she’s like.
She’ll be beautiful, I already know that.
Will she still be as fun-loving and sweet as she is now? Will she be succeeding in school? Will she be going to the prom, working her first job, falling in love? Will she have her driver’s license? Have friends? Be able to carry on a conversation?
Whether it be all of those things, or some but not others, or even none of them—just for a moment, I’d like to see her, see who my Kira Elizabeth will become.
If the future looks good, I could relax in the present. If challenging, I could prepare. Either way, I could stop being scared.
Because it’s the fear that’s the killer. That fear permeates every moment and shapes everything I do.
I can and will face up to it and do whatever I have to do. But I’d just as rather do it without the fear.
That’s why if I had it my way, I’d be able to see.
Written by, Natasha Glotzbach
I’m a mom to a 2 1/2 year old girl with ASD, very limited verbal so far but no nonverbal prognosis yet, and a NT 10-month-old girl. I write at https://kegsparty.wordpress.
Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook and subscribe to our newsletter.
