If You Are Struggling, Find Your Person
I am a wallflower. An introvert. Painfully shy. Making new friends in your thirties is hard.
For many reasons, it seems even harder when you are Mom to a child with disabilities.
Cloaked in a facade of smiles and ‘He’s coming alongs’, it can be mentally exhausting to keep cheerful and happy and all the things that make someone want to be friends with you.
My dear friend Kristin calls this her mask and I think it is the best way to describe how many Moms feel on this journey. Keeping a brave face is easier in the short run, but there is always an inexplicable need to let.it.out. that festers when you don’t have a safe spot to vent, cry, laugh, or be angry.
I had seen Kristin around at a therapy clinic where both of our oldest boys received services. I would waddle in very pregnant, and she would be pushing around a stroller while we waited.
Nobody tells you about all the waiting that accompanies having a child with disabilities.
Waiting in clinics, waiting on test results, waiting on therapies. Waiting for goals to be achieved.
It’s in the waiting that you need someone.
Someone who will sit in the dark and wait with you. Not someone to help you see the bright side or suggest a new miracle treatment.
You need someone to confirm that yes, indeed, this sucks and is really hard.
Someone that doesn’t have an easy answer, but has an open heart that listens without judgment.
Our boys ended up in the same special education program at a local school and I immediately felt comfortable talking to her. We saw each other at various school parties and trips. I pushed myself to connect with her.
I needed her and I am so glad that I had the courage to be open.
Our friendship bypassed the usual small talk and we dove right into our poop stories, therapy talk, hopes, dreams, fears and everything else that only a parent in this position can fully understand.
Our boys are both nine now and in different educational settings. They both have an autism diagnosis, executive functioning challenges, sensory processing issues, and both receive an alphabet soup of supports.
There have been triumphs and defeats and so many days of plateaus that sometimes one or both of us could no longer see the light. She has been my safe spot, my silver lining, and my go to person to laugh and to cry with.
She has supported me and has cheered for my boy relentlessly. My connection with her is authentic because of our shared reality.
The reality that the injustices and obstacles feel so insurmountable at times that it can feel hard to breathe. The reality that maybe some of these challenges that our beautiful boys face are not going to go away or get better.
It’s not easy to let my mind go there, but when I do she’s there and she’s sitting in the dark with me.
I will be forever thankful for her friendship, support, and ability to let me feel whatever I need to feel.
If you are a parent who is struggling on this journey and in need of connection, keep trying. Find your Kristin.
Take off your “mask” on occasion and let someone in. It’s worth it.
Written by, Kellie Phillips
(Editor’s Note: This article was provided by Kellie Phillips and is part of Cooper’s, ‘I’m Thankful For You’ Campaign.)
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Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook and subscribe to our newsletter.
