A Day in the Life of Brayden

As the days tick down and school is about to begin I can feel the anxiety starting to climb at our house. When I was growing up I remember back to school as a glorious time. I remember going on a shopping trip to Mall of America or the local mall.

We would spend the day laughing, wandering, and occasionally picking up a new pair of jeans or a needed pair of tennis shoes. It was never about the stuff. It was about spending quality time with your mom.

Now the first day of school brings change, newness, and anxiety. When you have a child that loves routine and familiarity, a new school year gives you a lot of anxiety.

Putting Brayden on the bus last year was a struggle. He often hid, removed his shoes as fast as you could apply them, and made himself into a limp noodle when it was time to walk out to the bus. He could not communicate to me what the problem was.

It could have been something as simple not liking the feel of the seat, the smells, or the noises around him. But it could of been something more.

I always feel so sad each night as we sit around the supper table. As I go around the table I ask all the kids how their day was. They all chattered about their day.

I feel bad as I ask about Brayden’s day.

He can’t tell me about his day. I never knew if he learned about butterflies, or the letter S, I can’t ask him if he had a special or who he played with at recess. I always try to treat Brayden the same as my other children. I want him to feel included in the conversation.

He may not be able to verbally say but he is always listening and watching.

My hope for this year is that he will find a friend.

I hope that there will be an Ava in his class. A little boy or girl that notices Brayden, a child that notices Brayden desire to fit in and play. He is always watching them play out of the corner of his eye noticing every move they make. He may stand at a distance and jump, or sift but he is watching.

I hope someone take the time to take his hand and encourage him to play on the slide or take the time to play ball with him. I pray that they are nice to him.

I hope that they see the goodness in him. The way his smile lights up a room. How he looks right into your eyes and talks to intently to you. His words might not make sense to us but I know in his mind they are clear and meaningful. He will repeats the same sounds over and over with such intent.

We have talked about underwear verses a pull-up. As a mom I am not sure what is worse. Being teased for wearing a diaper or be “that kid” that wet your pants at school. I worry about him in the classroom.

I know inclusion is what the schools try to do. This summer something has changed with Brayden. Noises and chaos completely overwhelm him. He easily becomes overstimulated, withdrawn, and very tearful. It is almost like a sense of panic.

I worry how this will work in a kindergarten classroom. I worry that the sounds might be overwhelming to him. I worry that his sounds might be overwhelming to someone else’s child. I don’t want to make anyone upset if he is disturbing the classroom.

However, I don’t want him sitting alone in another room by himself. I want him to learn from his peer. I can’t have it both ways.

I worry about him taking off at recess. He is a very fast runner and he can be gone in a flash. The road is so close. I know schools are understaffed and overworked.

As a mom I have turned my head for a second and he has been gone. Imagine having the responsibility for 50 kindergarteners. I worry what will happen if the school can’t meet his needs. He learns, communicates, and responds in a way completely different than his peers. Would the school admit it? Will our family have to move?

Is that fair to the my other children uprooted them when they are already established in school, sports, and have friends? All of these thoughts are constantly weighing on my mind and heart.

Do you sacrifice 4 children in hopes of one? Doesn’t seem like a fair question.

As I have said before. Brayden is an excellent reader of people. It is almost like a 6th sense. If you understand and care about Brayden, he can quickly identify this. He will do anything for you. You will receive the sweetest hugs.

He is very smart but can play dumb. He can manipulate you with hugs to get out of work. Hey, if you pretend you can’t do anything no ones expects anything out of you. If you saturate them with love they forget what they asked. You have to know what motivates him, how far to push, and when you need to back off and reward him.

Everyone works for something. Brayden loves physical play and edibles. You have to take the time to reach him.

When you have a child that is non verbal you learn to communicate through gestures, looks, and of course the talker. Unfortunately the talker can be confusing and limiting. When you can not read the pictures can look like ridiculous hiedrogliphics. Imagine looking at pictures, that don’t make any sense as your only way to communicate.

My girls just asked me when we are going school shopping. I just shrugged. I have a lot of mother’s guilt. We don’t have any fond family memories of shopping.

Abby ordered our school supplies online. The girls asked about clothes. The have all grown tremendously over the summer. I order what I can online not exactly a memory maker. I often struggle to find the balance.

The girls understand how difficult it is to go to the store however I worry about the memories and the regrets.

Mother’s guilt is a difficult thing.

So as this new school year approaches I pray for peace, friendship, kindness of a stranger, and compassion. Have a great school year.

Written by, Laura Eiler

Laura is the mother of five and shares their families journey with autism at A Day in the Life of Brayden.

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