September 26, 2018

The Second Guess

image2

Most of autism has been a guessing game.
I don’t know why my daughter has autism.
I guess if could be:
Genetics
Environment
Early birth
Or the crop duster that used to fly over my house

I haven’t the faintest idea why some days she is so happy and other days crazy with rage.
I guess it could be:
Hormones
Inflammation
Weather changes

Who knows why she can sleep for four nights and then is up again for three?
I guess it could be:
Something she ate
Something she dreamt
Something she wore

The past 11 years with a variety of doctors and specialists have only proven my theory about autism:
Everyone is guessing:
Hoping it will work
Claiming it will work
Promising it will work

First guesses are always filled with such hope and promise.
It is the anticipation of finally
Knowing
And
Fixing

I always welcome first guesses:
Diets, therapies,supplements, doctors
And wait for it to be right.

But often, the first guess is followed by the second guess:
Late at night
Middle day meltdown
Crazy car ride

The panic rush of the second guess:
WAS IT THAT NEW CRACKER!!?
SHOULD I CANCEL THAT THERAPY!!?
IS THAT DOCTOR A FRAUD?!!

There is no hope in the second guess.
Only frustration and despair that another first guess failed to be the answer.

I’m learning not to let the second guess be the driving force of my self worth or knock the wind out of me and scare me into never making another hopeful first guess.

I’m learning to remind myself that the first guess Is always made from a place of deep love for my girl.

Even if I guessed wrong, I didn’t love wrong.
I did my best.
I did what I thought would help.
I tried
I loved
I tried
I loved
And at the end of a day, love that keeps trying is always more important than finding the right answer.

Written by, Kristin Pattison

Kristin Pattison and her husband raise their two beautiful daughters in Arizona. I encourage you to follow her blog Bright Yellow Ministries.

Interested in writing for Finding Cooper’s Voice? LEARN MORE

Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook and subscribe to our newsletter.

Avatar photo

Kate Swenson

Kate Swenson lives in Minnesota with her husband Jamie, and four children, Cooper, Sawyer, Harbor and Wynnie. Kate launched Finding Cooper's Voice from her couch while her now 11-year-old son Cooper was being diagnosed with autism. Back then it was a place to write. Today it is a living, thriving community of people who want to not only advocate for autism, but also make the world a better place for individuals with disabilities and their families. Her first book, Forever Boy, will be released, April 5, 2022.

Share this post: