Bringing a New Baby into a Special Needs Household

Making the decision to have another baby is a huge decision no matter what your situation. When you find out you are expecting a baby, you are flooded with excitement, joy, concerns, fear and so many other emotions!

It can be a time of great worry for some people, but when you are a parent of a child with additional needs, it brings a whole new level of worry to it.

It wasn’t long before the birth of our second son that most of the problems Master W was experiencing, began. It was an extremely difficult time adjusting to a newborn who had severe reflux and a two year old who started to have extreme meltdowns and stopped sleeping. They were so different from each other.

As Master J got older, they would get up to SO much mischief together. Although I’m sure they have some very funny memories, they destroyed our house on almost a daily basis.

When we found out we were expecting our youngest child, it was after a very difficult few years with our eldest son. We dealt with meltdowns, tantrums, poo smearing, illnesses, hospital admissions, doctors who wouldn’t take us seriously and judgements on our parenting. We struggled to cope through it as we also dealt with loss of jobs, moving house many times and the loss of two close family members.

We often felt so guilty for the time we had lost enjoying their childhood during those years. Of course we have so many beautiful, happy memories amongst all of the craziness, but because of all of the difficulties, those few years have almost become a blur.

Our youngest son was a total surprise.

By the time we were expecting him, our eldest was due to start school and our middle son was at kinder. I struggled through my pregnancy and constantly worried about how I would cope.

I knew others were thinking it too. Thinking that if things had been so difficult with our other kids, why would we think we could add another child into our family?

Then after our youngest son was born, my husband was so exhausted he slept in a little in the morning. He woke up to the whole house painted with ice cream that Master W had gotten out of the freezer. The freezer was locked with a combination padlock and yet, he managed to remember it after seeing it ONCE and the rest is history. It took my husband 2 days to clean up the mess.

What a good start, I thought…

But when we came home, our older boys were so in love with their baby brother. Things were OK for a while. Definitely difficult, but I think the other boys could sense that things needed to be different and they adjusted reasonably well (from what I can remember).

During that year, we finally received our son’s autism diagnosis. A HUGE wave of relief washed over me and we were finally able to start getting the help he needed. I became like a detective with my research.

I read so much, so often, trying to do whatever we could to implement things in our home that would make things easier on all three of our boys. As we embraced and came to understand the world of autism, we developed routines and strategies that helped all of us and life began to become more bearable.

Because Master W’s diagnosis wasn’t picked up until school age, I often wondered what I missed earlier.

Even though I knew so early with him that something was amiss, others did not. S,o I would often catch myself worrying about my other two kids, wondering if I had missed things there too.

Now that we were so used to this world, was I not seeing what others saw? If my baby didn’t sit up or roll over ‘on time’, I would wonder if it was a sign. Then as he got older and started to talk I’d listen for any regressions.

Watching him walk on his toes, I started to worry again and then as he began to play with his toys and line them up, again, my mind would go racing as fast as my heart was.

I had to force myself to stop it.

Here I was, with three beautiful sons and I was spending so much time looking for things that weren’t even there. And even if there were some little signs, did you know that some kids just like lining toys up even if they aren’t on the spectrum?! Go figure!

I won’t lie to you, it is NOT easy having three kids. It’s not easy having kids who ALL have some sort of need that has to be catered for. There are days when autism, anxiety and anger take over in this house.

In those days, I know my other two boys have each other to find some comfort in and Master W has the comfort of knowing that no matter what, they will never love him any less.

More than anything, I want other parents of special needs children who are expecting another child to know that it isn’t all scary and bad!

It has become evident to me that we can be so scared and talk ourselves into a frenzy of worry about things that we haven’t lived yet. We can tell ourselves it will all be too hard and all it does it make it all harder.

Worrying takes away the precious time we have with our babies before they quickly grow up and we can’t get this time back.

I think so many people’s comments can also make it more worrisome and it is hard not to feel judged in these moments. So I want to tell you some of the things I love about our boys…

I love that my kids are each other’s friends when they have nobody else.

I love that when it’s their birthday, they have people to share it with.

I love that when they are sad, they have people to hug them.

I love that when someone is mean to them, they stand up for each other.

I love that they can be completely themselves around each other.

I love that my boys will learn to be aware of the sensitivities of others because we live with them here.

I love that they teach each other things.

I love watching them laugh and play together.

I love trying not to laugh when they make inappropriate jokes with each other.

I love when I see them give up what they want so that one of the others can have it.

I love that they are more accepting of differences in others.

I love that they want to help me create awareness so that other kids and other parents don’t feel alone in this journey.

Most of all, I love that when all else fails, we all have each other.

Every single baby born on this earth is a precious gift, no matter what their ability. I can honestly say that through our journey with autism, I have become a better person and I am thankful for the bond my boys will have for life with each other.

Written by, Nicole Griffin

Nicole is a mother to 3 boys, all of whom are diagnosed with varied additional needs. She works tirelessly to raise awareness about Autism. She works as a teacher’s aid, a disability support worker and a mentor for teenagers with Autism. Nicole is the author of the Spectrum Rethink blog which aims to create a re-think on Autism and an insight into family life around Autism, Anxiety and parenthood.

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Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook and subscribe to our newsletter.