Becoming Brothers

We have two boys – just 15 months apart. Usually when I tell someone this, I get comments like how lucky – they will be BEST friends. Do they get along? Do they fight a lot? I bet they keep you busy.

Well, the last of these statements is certainly true but the others – I never thought it was possible but I think maybe we’re getting there.

They are now 12 and 10. Our younger son has pretty severe/ nonverbal autism and his big brother is as “typical” as a kid can be because really, what qualifies as typical?

Autism has been our world for over 8 years now – our official diagnosis came when B was 2 and big brother D was 3. And let me tell you we DOVE in.

We did full-time, in-home therapy for 40+hours a week for 5.5 YEARS. My sweet firstborn grew up so differently than your average family. Our small home was filled with therapists –sometimes as many as five or six people in our house at a time.

From our older son’s perspective, his brother had super fun playmates giving him undivided attention at all times. He couldn’t possibly understand that this “play” was actually very, very demanding and difficult work for a two-year-old. Yet somehow, he has never once seemed resentful. This is all he has ever known.

Still, the parental guilt was and is so real and so strong. We overcompensate – never wanting our older son to feel the weight of responsibility for caring for his brother. It’s been pointed out to me that it’s common practice to ask an older sibling to “watch out for your brother while I run upstairs”, “make sure he’s safe”, “can you help him do xyz?”.

Not in our house. We never asked. It didn’t seem fair.

Whenever I’m asked about their relationship, I’ve always explained it as raising two only children. The two of them function independently of one another and their worlds rarely intersect.

Big brother is so busy learning, growing and figuring out his world and little brother is immersed in therapy and his autism world. The two worlds don’t really collide. Although B always seemed to have a special affinity for his big bro, they truly did not have much of a relationship.

In fact, our older son never even spoke directly to his brother – it was always “mom, can you get B to move?” or just no acknowledgement whatsoever.  Dad and I tag team and try to give our older son as many “normal” experiences as we can while managing our very challenging (albeit amazing) youngest guy.

There’s a lot of stress and a lot of isolation and we just do the best we can.

In the last year or two, something has changed with my firstborn and it happened independently of us and in a magical, beautiful way.

All of a sudden, he started showing a strong interest in his little brother. Practically overnight, he became empathetic, watched out for him and even started talking to him. I’ve heard some wonderful things like “B, your smile lights up a room. Don’t ever change”.

And he’s asked more questions about him like “what do you think he’s thinking?” “Do you think he’s happy?” He is also interested in teaching him and in playing with him on his terms.

One time, I reminded him that sometimes B can decide he’s done and it can look like a shove or total meltdown. His response was “we’re brothers. that’s kind of what all brothers do mom”.

What is even more amazing is that he includes him even when his friends are over. He doesn’t seem embarrassed or ashamed in the slightest. I can’t tell you how amazing it is to watch. I stare in awe with a tear in my eye on a regular basis these days.

I have no idea what changed – something just seems to have clicked.

Are they best friends? No, I wouldn’t say so. But I think what they share is even more special and remarkable. They are both teaching each other in ways we never could and for that, I believe they (and we) truly are so very lucky.

Written by, Wendy Pedersen

I am a 40 something mom to 2 beautiful boys – the younger of whom has autism. It is a life-changing journey but the smile and the laughter make it all worthwhile. You can follow their families story at ‘Keep the Laughter.’

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