I Want You To Make Me Go Away Mommy

Today, I picked up my five year old son with autism from preschool, screaming, hyperventilating, and distraught. His one and only best friend decided he didn’t want to play with Jackson today. He’d found other friends he’d rather play legos with. That amazing friend is so wonderfully typical. Jackson didn’t understand the simplicity and normality of his sweet friend’s behavior.

You see, my sweet, friendly, lover of life and all people in it, son, enjoys being around ALL children. But he will forever be the person to truly appreciate and desire a true relationship. He’d rather have one good friend than a million acquaintances. His loyalty to those he loves most is overwhelming.

After hours of trying to calm him, beg him to eat, coax him to play, my sweet innocent boy took deep breaths and gasped out words I’ll never forget and never dream in a million years that anyone close to me would say, let alone my loving, usually happy five year old.

“I don’t like myself anymore. I want you to make me go away, Mommy. I don’t want to be here anymore.”

Gut wrenching and heartbroken, I held back tears so he couldn’t see the terror in my eyes and I held him tight and didn’t want to let go. Ever.

He’d made SO much progress in the last few years of ABA, speech, OT, PT, and one-on-one special ed…. I thought we were in a good place.

But he was getting ready to make his first big transition in life. Off to kindergarten in two short weeks. The overwhelm of all the change had slowly become too much for him and he was done. He literally wanted to be done and throw in the towel and not have to carry the weight of the stress and anxiety he felt daily that I still cannot manage to wrap my head around.

I thought we’d adequately prepared him for this.

To my husband and I, autism has been nothing but peaks and valleys. The second we celebrate the triumphant victory of milestones met and IEP goals achieved, we get kicked in the gut and brought back to reality.

The reality of autism that does not go away. It only goes through seasons. Through highs and lows. Through good days and miserable ones. Often we take two steps forward, one step back, sometime vice versa. But we keep going.

Next we’ll seek out therapy for his anxiety that has not yet been diagnosed. But it will be. It’s there. It’s obvious. It will forever be part of him.

He’s part of the seventy-five percent of individuals on the spectrum that inherit one or more of the dreaded comorbidities. Anxiety, depression, ADD, ADHD, seizures, GI issues, etc, as if the autism alone isn’t enough.

But we’ll continue to tackle this, too.

Until we’re taking more steps forward than back I will fight with everything I have to give him his best shot at living a life where he can love himself. That’s all that matters to me now.

With every fiber of my being it is my mission in life to make this amazing child realize his worth and his value. I pray he finds it within and he makes a big place in this world for himself.

Until then, I will continue to tell him daily how he will change the world someday until he believes it himself. He’s definitely changed mine in so many ways that I will never possibly be able to thank him enough for.

Written by, Lynn Reasons

Lynn is married to her best friend and greatest teammate as they raise their sweet five year old, Jackson, with high functioning autism. Lynn loves her new role as a school nurse and now three years in to their autism journey, is passionate about helping guide newly diagnosed families through the beginning of theirs.

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