I Still Would Have Chosen You
I stumbled across a poem on Pinterest today by Terri Banish. It is titled, ‘I Still Would Have Chosen You.’ I read it. And I read it again. And again. And immediately burst into tears. Every word was perfect.
I used to talk about the hard parts of severe autism with strangers. At work. Or with someone I met out. These were nice people that didn’t live in my world. They had no idea. And while they usually were absolutely wonderful, they just didn’t understand.
I’d notice as I was talking about the lack of sleep, or anxiety, or rigidity, the complex medical needs or how he is nonverbal, I’d start to feel guilty. Once I said the words, ‘lifelong care,’ I’d feel like a monster. It would feel like I was complaining. Even though I wasn’t. I was just talking about what was happening in my life.
When I was in the trenches, yes, you read that right. The super, hard and really confusing years, I talked a lot about the hard parts and not enough about the good parts. I’ve changed that.
Now, if I do bring up Cooper, I make sure it is crystal clear that while we have hard days, we have absolutely amazing, wonderful days too. And he is the best thing ever. If I was given a choice, I would choose him every single time. He is my son. My life. My whole entire heart.
Grab a tissue and take a read.
I have felt everyone of these sentences. My heart has bled. I’ve questioned my faith. I’ve been mad at God. I’ve cried enough tears to fill a river. I’ve witnessed his suffering more than any mother should have too. And I no longer have any sense of normal. But it doesn’t matter. There is no question at all. I’d always choose him.
Like I tell Cooper every single night…’How lucky am I to have a Cooper. Not every mama gets to be as lucky as me.’ And I mean that from the bottom of my soul.
I Still Would Have Chosen You
“If before you were born, I could have gone to heaven and saw all the beautiful souls, I still would have chosen you…
If God had told me, “This soul would one day need extra care and needs,” I still would have chosen you…
If He had told me, “This soul may make your heart bleed,” I still would have chosen you…
If He had told me, “This soul would make you question the depth of your faith,” I still would have chosen you…
If He had told me “This soul would make tears flow from your eyes that could fill a river,” I still would have chosen you…
If He had told me “This soul may one day make you witness overbearing suffering,” I still would have chosen you…
If He had told me, “All that you know to be normal would drastically change,” I still would have chosen you…
Of course, even though I would have chosen you, I know it was God who chose me for you.”
Written by, Terri Banish
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