I’m Not So Scared Anymore
My dear little one,
The last few days with you have been utter bliss. Maybe I am being overly dramatic, but at least that’s how it feels after some pretty tough weeks. Although we do have one behavior getting a tad worse…My heart breaks every time you forcefully bring your beautiful little face to the ground in frustration but I don’t want to talk about that right now. Because there are way too many little big wins we are having.
Like the time I pointed to your cup across the room, you followed my gaze and pointed to it too. Or when you were throwing rocks, quite impressively I may add, and I asked you to throw them downward, and the next two you did.. you really understood what mama said?! I was and still am shocked about that one.
Or the several times you’ve brought me your shoes when I ask. And the numerous times I’ve dropped something and I ask you to pick it up for me, and you do. And your new willingness to give kisses *almost* every time I ask is something I have wished and hoped for, for along time.
See little cutie, you are what I sometimes refer to as a sour patch kid. One day soon you’ll learn what candy is. I guess having food aversions can have its pluses too, because you have never wanted anything of the sort. Although yesterday I was eating your bunny grahams, because you never do, and you walked up to me and reached up for one. You cautiously studied it, took the smallest bite I’ve ever seen you take, and now you’re hooked. I told you they were delicious, but back to the sour patch…
When anything, I mean anything is presented to you, you first can be a tad sour. A little oppositional. You may think you can’t do it but once you get over those hurdles, you are unstoppable. With a whole lotta love and patience, you are learning that you are capable of anything. And that it’s okay if you don’t get it right on the first try.
You’re slowly letting mom and dad in more to help you. You are trusting us. You are beginning to see that we are on your side and always have been.
Lets just say it has been pretty magical.
You still are lovin’ your shows. I don’t know if that will ever change and honestly, that’s okay my love. You see, I have been bothered by your obsession with TV. I thought it took you away from our world. I thought you liked it more than me but, more and more as you watch your shows, you want me right next to you. You look to me to see if I notice a certain part constantly. You want to wave bye together as the show ends and the characters leave.
You light up like I’ve never seen when I sing the songs or repeat the lines. You are just so happy. These are your friends. And you want me to be a part of that world because it is what makes most sense to you right now.
And you know what? That’s okay little love. Because your happiness is my happiness and I believe that with time, our two worlds will become one.
A couple months ago I wasn’t so sure. Something amazing has changed in you Noah. It’s like you’ve woken up. Of course along with that has also come toddler emotions and an energy that I have never seen. But we’ll get through it.
Even with all the wildness that you are, I don’t think I’ve ever been this hopeful for you baby boy. And I’ve begun to paint pictures of what the future could entail. It might be a different picture than most, or what was originally planned but as I see it unfold, I’m not as scared anymore.
Sometimes I see you with your talker, having a massive and impressive rock collection. Always so happy to show us your latest find, and us just as happy for you.
Sometimes I see you on stage, like Broadway. Because you absolutely love an audience and your just so lively that you would shine. Either path, or any path you take is perfect.
Part of me feels guilty for even writing this. Like I should always be celebrating you and be this happy. Not too say that I don’t and that I’m not…but we have tough days little man.
Autism gives you endless challenges that sometimes I don’t know how to navigate. But I am learning, just like you, and am doing all that I can. even if that means some days we watch way too much TV because mom needs a moment. Heck, those are probably your favorite days. but they are fewer and further between, because you and me Noah, we have been like glue.
By the time I put you to bed I am exhausted, physically, no longer just mentally. I have a full blown toddler, and our summer has just begun. I have so many plans and ideas for us little guy. Some you may think you don’t like at first, but we will be open minded, give new things a try, and work though it, together. Like we’ve been doing since day one.
Your mama loves you something fierce little man.
Always have, and always will.
Written by, Danielle Mager
Danielle is the proud mama to Noah, a handsome, silly, strong willed, almost three year old who also happens to be on the spectrum. Danielle blogs at story of noahism and shares their journey on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/storyofnoahism/.
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