Autism and Other People

One of the hardest things about raising a child who is different is other people.

When we’re at the grocery store and my child has an iPhone in her hand, it’s not because I’m lazy. Lazy would be the last word anyone would use to describe my parenting. My child has an iPhone because it comforts her and it keeps her from wriggling out of the shopping cart, screaming at the top of her lungs, running away from me, or melting into a puddle.

When we’re at the playground and I’m hovering a foot away from my child at all times, it’s not because I’m a ‘helicopter mom.’ It’s because my child has no sense of danger and will run toward other kids on the swings. It’s happened. She doesn’t understand my instructions and won’t follow them. I know it sounds like a challenge, but I want to get out of the house sometimes too.

When I’m running up ladders, climbing through tunnels, and sliding down slides at the playground, it’s not that I just have a lot of energy. My child needs me to show her what to do on the playground because she doesn’t always understand what she’s supposed to do on the equipment. I’m tired too. I’m tired from staying up late, researching new therapies, learning about new techniques, and finding new resources that can help us.

I would love nothing more than to be sitting on the park bench with the other parents watching their children from afar. I’d love to be drinking coffee too and checking my email. But my child gets easily frustrated and overwhelmed and can’t enjoy an activity for long. I have to be prepared to leave at any moment. I’m waiting for her “bucket to overflow,” as her therapist says. Because it happens.

At which point, I’ll throw her over my shoulder and walk her to the car kicking and fighting me while the other parents glance up from their coffee long enough to feel sorry for us.

When we arrive at the party later than everyone else, and leave the party earlier than everyone else, it’s not because we don’t care. The fact that we came means just the opposite. In fact, we care so much that we meticulously planned our entire day around this 2 hour event. We prepped our daughter with social stories, telling her what she can expect at the gathering. We planned her meals and snacks, packed all the right toys and gadgets and comfort objects. We made sure she had napped and was comfortable and had gotten some energy out.

We arrived late because we knew we’d be leaving early. We knew others would say, “leaving so soon?” But we’re trying to head off the meltdown that comes from being in an unfamiliar environment with too many people and too much happening. We want to remember this outing as a pleasant one, not fight tears and screams on our drive home.

When we’re on a walk and other people wave at my child and say ‘hello’ and she just stares back, I can see the confusion on their faces. When they sweetly say, “I’ll get her to wave next time,” know that it makes my heart sting because they don’t know how badly I wish that were true.

I recently read a tip from a mother of a child with autism who suggested purchasing a plain white t-shirt for your child and drawing a colorful bee on the front with the words KIND underneath. Be Kind. She said it’s her son’s “going out” shirt and he wears it whenever they go in public. It helps others to think first before judging or making a critical comment about his behavior.

My daughter’s behavior is a challenge, but that isn’t the hardest part. It’s the other people. It’s the judgmental look, the pitying glance, the inquiring words, the confused face. It’s the attention for the wrong reasons.

I wish we lived in a world where we don’t need a t-shirt to remind each other that we’re all fighting a different battle.

Written by, Annie Suhy

Annie Suhy lives in Cleveland, Ohio with her husband and daughter Stella (2 1/2). Stella was diagnosed with autism in February 2018 and they are just beginning to navigate this mountain together.

Interested in writing for Finding Cooper’s Voice? LEARN MORE

Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook and subscribe to our newsletter.