Dreams of my Autistic Nonverbal Son Speaking
Last night, I had a dream that my nonverbal son had a conversation with me. We were walking along a path, holding hands, laughing and smiling. He was pointing things out to me. For some reason it was really beautiful. The sky was colorful. The trees and grass were so bright and vivid.
I remember noticing how calm we were. How he wasn’t flapping or running or screaming.
I could hear mumbling but in my mind I knew that it couldn’t be Cooper speaking. My autistic son doesn’t speak.
Then my son grabbed my arm and pulled me down to his level. He looked right into my eyes and told me a story. I can’t remember what the story was about. The details didn’t matter I guess. I was studying his mouth. Watching his lips move. And I remember thinking, this is the most beautiful sound I have ever heard.
The most intense joy suddenly washed over me. ‘It’s happening. I knew it would happen. Some day. If we just never gave up.’
And I remember almost laughing thinking about how natural his words were. I felt relief. We made it. I lived to hear him speak. My son was speaking to me.
I immediately woke up. I felt sick to my stomach. Frantic to get back to the dream. Actual tears were streaming down my face.
I’ve had these dreams a handful of times. I always hate myself for waking up. I want to remember what he said but I can’t. I am always sweaty and anxious. I need to get back to that dream. And I can’t. I try to force my mind to remember every part of the dream. But mostly, his voice. The way it sounded. The way his body looked being calm.
As I sit here drinking my coffee this morning and analyzing every aspect of that dream, I have this sinking feeling in my stomach that the location of my dream was heaven. It was too perfect. It hits me that I might never hear him speak in this lifetime.
And that brings me sadness and joy at the same time.
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Wow, I have literally had the exact same dream twice in the last two weeks and the way you explained it resonated perfectly with me. I was filled with so much joy and have spent the entire morning whilst also drinking a coffee trying to remember what he said and how beautiful his voice sounded. My son is nearly 6 and aand still non verbal but is very vocal with sounds and noises.