I Don’t Mind Being Your Mom

As a mom of a child with autism, I often feel burnt out, disconnected and stressed. I often feel like a shell of who I used to be. I feel like someone who’s just struggling to make everyday a good day, even when the dark cloud looming over me is incredibly heavy.

I’m not fun anymore. I’m rarely spontaneous or enjoyable to be around. I’m not as positive as I used to be and I don’t always see the good in the things that should bring me joy.

I feel like I’m in a dark hole that’s constantly caving in and if I stop digging my way out out I will become completely buried and no longer recognize myself.

After saying all that, I want you to know that I don’t mind. I truly don’t mind any of it because my son is so worth it.

I don’t mind the dark circles under my eyes or my unwashed hair and dirty shirts from your sticky fingers.

I don’t mind when we skip certain events and activities because you might feel overwhelmed and might not be able to handle it.

I don’t mind staying home and giving you the comfort of your own things and your own space.

I don’t mind making you a separate very specific meal over and over or reading the same book 20 times while you point to the picture with a big grin because it’s just as enjoyable and exciting as the first time.

I don’t mind taking the escalator 40 times in a row so you feel like you got the most of those moving stairs as you could.

I don’t mind the constant research and learning or the school and appointments.

I do mind feeling like I’m not a good enough mom and that I’m failing you. I do mind that I can’t take away your frustration and hardships or that I can’t give you the ability to speak. I do mind not being able to teach you like I can teach your brother and sister.

I do mind that I find my self being frustrated and angry towards you. I know you have as little control as I have and that you are just as frustrated with me being unable to fix the things that are hard for you. I’m the person that is supposed to make your life easy. I know that.

I do mind that I feel inadequate in providing a good routine or steady schedule on the daily that will help you thrive. I do mind feeling like I’m lacking for my other children. I do mind that I feel like I’m failing as a wife and not being the woman your dad loved.

I do mind not recognizing myself in the mirror and seeing a person who’s lost. I do mind knowing I might never hear your little voice because I know it’d be as sweet as your laugh.

I do mind feeling like you’re missing out. I do mind not being able to share the exciting moments of your life with you. I do mind having these thoughts and that they make me sad.

I don’t mind putting peanut butter on everything.

I don’t mind that you want to take three baths a day, for hours at a time.

I don’t mind that we listen to your songs on repeat. I don’t mind rocking you.

I don’t mind popping your popcorn. I don’t mind bringing your blankets with us.

I don’t mind putting your shoes and socks on three times before school.

I don’t mind seeing the dimples in your cheeks when you smile. I don’t mind listening to your genuine laugh.

I don’t mind seeing the love on your face when you play with your dad. I don’t mind seeing you search out your brother to play.

I don’t mind that we have to leave the sliding door open and let all the heat out in the winter and the AC out in the summer because being outside makes you happy.

I don’t mind carrying you because you decided you can’t make it the short distance to the car, even if it was arm day at the gym and I didn’t think I’d be able to lift anything the rest of the day.

I don’t mind being early to your school so you don’t feel panicked and can see the car and know I’m there ready for you.

I don’t mind that you’re my son. I don’t mind loving you.

I don’t mind being your mother.

Written by, Shalisa Brown

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