My Son, You Are So Much More Than Autism

Oh, my little pumpkin, what a strange, crazy, exhausting ride this autism thing has been.

How did this happen? You were my surprise baby in every way! It was a struggle to get pregnant with your brother. We tried for two years then with the help of fertility pills I finally got pregnant. My doctor told me if I ever wanted to get pregnant it would have to be very planned because I would have to be on fertility pills. I don’t ovulate.

Sixteen years later at age 41…SURPRISE! I took the test. It was positive! Shock is putting it mildly. I was almost done raising your brother. Now, I had to start completely over?

Your dad and I chose to bring you in to this world and raise you together…that was the plan anyway. My pregnancy was great. I’m one of those women who have easy pregnancies. I feel great and am actually healthier when pregnant. No morning sickness and no mood swings. Happy, Happy, Happy!

For some reason though, my babies come early. You were five weeks early and weighed under 5 lbs. You shot out of my body like you were propelled from a slingshot. The nurse literally had to catch you in mid flight! You spent a few weeks in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit then you were ready to come home. My happy, healthy baby. Still, to this day, you are my intense, energetic, anxious, chaotic bundle of energy.

I was fortunate and got to stay home with you until you were 16 months old when your dad and I split up. I will always be grateful to your dad for providing for us to make that happen. Oh, those days were amazing! I loved being a stay at home mom. You and me. We got to hang out all day, every day.

Having raised a typical son that was 16 when you were born, I knew your milestones were delayed and something was just off. Testing showed you were just a little behind and might catch up. I still say the trauma from that awful daycare triggered the meltdowns.

At 3 1/2 you were diagnosed with moderate autism. I didn’t want to hear the word AUTISM but I knew once it was official we could get you the help you needed. My first question to the Dr. that diagnosed you was, ‘Will he be able to take care of himself and live on his own one day?’

It sounded like such a selfish question…but I knew it was going to be on me to take care of you. I was the one who was going to give my life up for you…and I will…that’s what mom’s are supposed to do, right?

I knew very little about autism.

For 7 years before your brother was born, I taught preschool and took care of ten 3 year olds every day! Looking back now I think of a little boy named Robert. I’m certain now that he was autistic. I remember when I had the kids line up to go out of our room he had a really hard time keeping his hands to himself so I had him place his hands on my desk while waiting in line.

Eventually I didn’t even have to remind him, he would just get in line and put his hands on my desk. He needed that structure. There was also a more severe autistic girl in a school age class. I remember being told it was like she was in her own little world. Her mom looked exhausted and sad. That was the only relationship I had with autism.

I have so many questions.

Is it my fault because I was an older mom? Did I do something wrong when I was carrying you? Is it because you were a preemie? Is this Karma paying me back for every bad thing I’ve done in my life?

Oh, there have been some low lows my child. The hitting, biting, pushing, and horrible screaming melt downs. Watching you hurt yourself and the feeling of helplessness of not being able to stop you. The constant researching and learning and trying to find the help you needed.

I still get so angry about the lack of help and resources available in our city of almost 300,000. The feeling of isolation, not being able to attend certain events because it wouldn’t be safe for you. It’s still scary for me to take you places by myself. You try to run off at any opportunity.

The constant chasing you and not really being able to enjoy myself because I have to be focused on you, holding on to you at all times. The lack of support because people just don’t understand. Being sick and not being able to rest. Having to lift you and hurt myself. Giving you all of my time, feeling like I’m slighting your brother. Everything is a struggle.

Sometimes it will just hit me. This sense of grief just floods over me. I’m fearful of you growing up. I fear you will be the kid that is bullied and the one sitting at lunch all by yourself.

What if you hurt someone? What if someone hurts you? How will we cope? How will I take you in public if you run. What if you are 16 and I need to help you in the bathroom at a public place? Who will take care of you when I am gone? How will I do this for the rest of my life?

I don’t know if I’m cut out for this. I have thought about giving up. I thought maybe I wasn’t strong enough. I’ve had to learn to just take one day at a time. Giving up is not an option. You certainly never do.

There have been many high highs as well. Oh, the little things that are huge! The milestones you reach and we celebrate. The feeling of pride when you accomplish something you have been working so hard on. The hugs and kisses and I love you’s that are few and far between. I cherish each and every one of them.

Watching you get so excited over little things and you can hardly contain yourself. Seeing you try so hard at things that come so easy for other kids. You have forced me to be brave and go outside of my comfort zone. You keep me active. You keep me occupied and are my companion most days. With you I will never be lonely.

You are the funniest kid I know. You have the best personality. You know how you want things and get a little bossy. It melts my heart to see how much you and your brother love each other. You are best friends.

You have made me stronger, kinder, a fighter, an advocate, aware, educated, empathetic. You are so smart. I just watch you and marvel at the things you come up with….the different ways you do things. You will never blend in. You will never be “normal”. Why would you want to be?

I haven’t given up my life for you sweet child. You have enriched it. Because of you I know what’s truly important in life. I admire you. You are so much more than autism.

Sometimes I wish I was you. Oh, to be so happy and care free…oblivious to this cruel world. You have made me become the best person I can be. You have completed me.

Matthew, my child, you are my hero.

Written by, Kelli Stutzman

My son Matthew was diagnosed with Autism in June 2016 at age 3 1/2. I’m sharing our experiences to educate and inform. Plus I think my son is amazing! You can follow our journey on Facebook at Inside Matthew’s World.

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