And Just Like That, My Baby is Five

Yesterday was Sawyer’s fifth birthday. I know I don’t show all that much about Sawyer on this blog. I try to focus my posts around autism and everything that goes into having a child on the spectrum. I do that because I know that some day Sawyer will read this website. He already talks about Finding Cooper’s Voice with me. I want him to be able to tell his story if and when he is ready.

Some day, I hope he spreads autism awareness like me.  Anyhow, I wanted to share some fun pictures from his birthday.

Yesterday, my wild, loud, social, funny, smart little boy turned five. I’m not entirely sure how that happened.

In a blink of an eye he is five. I remember finding out I was pregnant and being shocked. I remember how scared I was for nine months. Cooper was so challenging and an autism diagnosis was right around the corner. I remember vividly the night I googled, ‘odds of having two children with autism.’ I remember I hid it from Jamie. I didn’t want him to know. I was embarrassed and scared. If I didn’t say it out loud it wouldn’t happen.

I remember the delivery because wow that hurt. I remember how Jamie and I relaxed after he was born and watched a movie in our hospital room. We hadn’t relaxed in two years.

I remember bringing him home in a yellow sleeper and a blue blanket. The blanket he still sleeps with five years later. I remember showing him to Cooper who paid no attention. And didn’t for the next two years.

I remember how he nursed with zero trouble. I remember how he slept through the night from the day he was born. I remember crying because Cooper was so unbelievably stressful and I didn’t know how to give them both what they needed.

I remember nursing him through evaluation after evaluation for Cooper and in waiting room after waiting room.

I remember how easy he was. I distinctly remember how his eyes lit up every single time he saw Cooper. And how Cooper didn’t even know he existed.

I remember how he met every single milestone on time. I remember the relief I felt from that. I remember the sadness and guilt I felt because Cooper did not.

I remember the first time he carried a baseball bat around. And how he potty trained himself while we were trying to teach Cooper. I remember how his first word was mama. I remember how he seemingly picked up everything. He was like a sponge. He learned his letters, numbers, colors and shapes from the therapists who sat on the floor trying to engage Cooper.

I remember one time I shushed Sawyer’s beautiful chatter because Cooper had been screaming all day and I couldn’t take one more sound.

I remember I hated myself after that. I truly did.

I remember resenting Cooper for needing me so much. And I resented Sawyer for needing me too.

I remember letting out the breath I’d been holding for years when I finally let myself accept that Sawyer was NOT autistic. I had been so scared.

We had some tough years the three of us. And I feel like I remember so much of the hard stuff and the struggles. And much of Sawyer’s simplicity has slipped my memory.

I guess that’s how it goes. And now, at age five, Sawyer is giving me a run for my money. He is sassy and wild. He keeps me going that one.

Sawyer has given me every single moment that a mother should have. And I will never be able to thank him enough for that. He is my heart. My rock. My angel. My monster. And I couldn’t love him anymore than I do right now. Happy fifth birthday little man! I hope you enjoyed your day.

A few pictures from our day!

Cooper and I waiting patiently for brother to get up! Cooper and I were up early. Sawyer and dad slept in.

Sawyer waiting patiently to open up his presents! He told me, Cooper can open up one mom!

Sawyer just finished proclaiming ‘this is the best day of my life mama!’

Cooper thought Sawyer’s sled was super cool….for sitting. Not actually for sliding.

Sawyer requested pancakes with whip cream and a cherry, and a side of bacon for his birthday breakfast. This kid can eat.

Cooper was obsessed with Sawyer’s cake. He carried it around ALL DAY LONG. Dad and I would put it in the fridge and Cooper would take it out. He took it with him everywhere he went.

Four is in the books! Cake and singing make it real!

These two boys are my everything!

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