13 Steps to Better Self Care
Self Care. Those two dreaded words. As a special needs mama, self care is the first thing to go when I feel sad.
My son doesn’t talk. He doesn’t go to school. He doesn’t play. He doesn’t interact with children. He doesn’t play a sport or ride a bike. He doesn’t read. He doesn’t write. We rarely leave our house. We more so just live in his autistic world.
And with that life comes a cycle of grief. The not knowing is hard. The knowing is hard. The accepting is hard. The forever is hard.
For example, I can say to you that I am learning to accept that my son might never talk to me and that I am okay with it. And I can say in the same breath that I am so excited that he is learning to use his communication device and communicate with me. I can say those things and mean them. Our life if going to be fine. He doesn’t need to speak.
And then, I can hear a seven year old sing a song in a school play and be leveled. Like, punch in the gut, give me a bottle of wine, I can’t get out of bed, why God why, leveled.
It will come out of nowhere. I don’t know how long it is going to last either.
I will be honest. I am in the dark right now. The forever of autism is hitting me really, really hard.
I’m trying to dig out but I feel the claustrophobia of my son’s disability more than ever. Maybe it’s winter. Maybe its the cold, dark and isolation. Who knows I guess.
I feel isolated. I feel overweight. I feel tired. I feel like a failure. I feel consumed by autism. I have no self care.
And I know that with just a few changes to my life I can start digging out. I’ve done it before. And I need to do it again.
Some of these are going to sound so simple. Trust me. I know that. I am a 34 year old woman. I know that water is important. I know eating good food is necessary. And that sleep is vital.
BUT, and this is a huge BUT, when my whole life is devoted to giving a vulnerable little human care I notice that my own self-care slips. Slowly at first.
Skipping a meal. Replacing water with coffee. Staying up too late. One too many glasses of wine.
And then I feel like absolute crap. I start drinking caffeine to stay awake in the afternoons and then I can’t sleep. I stop exercising because I am too tired. I get irritable. I get cranky. My stellar parenting starts to slip. And I slowly start to hate myself. And repeat.
When this happens, and it’s happened one other time, I start making changes.
These are my SIMPLE, yet can feel COMPLICATED, tips to overcoming special needs parenting grief. I am not a doctor. I am not a therapist. This is not science. But these tips do work. I know because they’ve saved me a time or two.
Drink Something
And by something I mean water. Ice cold water. A huge glass of it. After 34 years of life and not always treating my body well I have learned that dehydration makes me feel even worse. I will get so busy that I can’t find the time to drink water. That is crazy. Get a water bottle, fill it up, and drink it all day long.
Eat Something
Every single time I am consumed by autism, the chaos of it, I find that I eat less. I’m not saying I lose weight. It’s actually the opposite because I binge when I can and also make unhealthy choices because getting to the store feels impossible. You will feel like crap if you don’t fuel your body. Grab an apple or a granola bar. There is nothing worse than a blood sugar crash.
Take a Shower
When I am sad I don’t shower. This is a fact. Partly because I don’t have time and partly because I don’t want too. I’m sad. I don’t feel like showering. I’m in a slump. I also have to mentally schedule my showers which is equally annoying. My son can’t be unsupervised so another adult has to be home.
Get Dressed
When I am sad, like really sad, I don’t take care of myself. I wear clothes off the floor. I have greasy hair. Makeup rarely happens. And then I just feel worse because I look like crap. Wake up. Get dressed. Wash your face. Put makeup on (if you wear it). You will feel so much better.
Take Vitamins
Whenever I am at my lowest points I ramp up vitamins. I take Vitamin C, Vitamin D, a Probiotic and Emergence-C. I know that my diet is off and I need to get my body back on track.
Find Balance with Rest
Now that Cooper is actually sleeping through the night (started at age 6) I am working to find a balance with rest. This mama is perpetually tired. Which is exahausting in itself. I attribute it to carrying around the emotional weight of my son’s disability. So, I try to alternate my sleep. One night I will go to bed early. And the next night I will stay up after the kids go to bed and watch television like an adult. I need time with no one climbing on me or the sounds of Thomas the Train. For me it’s a constant struggle between rest and alone time.
Go for a Walk
Get any sort of exercise that you can. When I am sad and really down I am typically tired. I am eating like crap. I am drinking too much wine. The last thing I want to do is exercise. It’s a vicious cycle. Add in a short walk every single day. Maybe you are home bound. I get it. My son can’t go for walks. Plus it’s winter. Call someone to sit with the kids. If you can’t do that then grab 20 minutes to do an exercise video. Do anything. Sweat.
Stop Drinking
I am the last person that will tell anyone to quit drinking. So, I will just speak from experience. Alcohol is a depressant. And if you are like me, I feel one glass of wine the next day. If I drink too much, stay up too late, I feel awful the next day. And when I am already down and sad, the last think I need is a depressant that makes me feel awful.
Be a Mom Again
Put down the paperwork. Stop making phone calls. Stop teaching and modeling and doing feeding therapy. Sit on the floor next to your kid and tickle them. Tickle them until they belly laugh. Sing a few songs. Place chase. Remember that you are a mom first and a business manager second.
Identify the Chaos
Figure out what is causing you chaos at this exact moment in your life. Is it the blaring sound of an iPad? Look into headphones or a volume control app. Is it your child shutting off the lights? Work on that on thing until it is resolved. Our dog was peeing on the floor in the middle of the night. EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. So, we bought a small kennel. Problem solved. Jamie and I stopped fighting about it and there was no mess to clean up.
Eliminate Negativity
Figure out if you have any negativity in your life. For me, I was part of a really negative Facebook group. I had to leave it. I couldn’t handle it anymore. It was only bringing me down. Do you have any friends or family members that only bring you stress, anger and sadness? I’m not saying you should push them out of your life. Just reevaluate your relationship with them. It could be unhealthy.
Talk to Someone
Anyone. Maybe it’s a friend. Maybe it’s a stranger. Maybe it’s a professional. Just find someone. When I am really sad I can’t talk to my spouse. My mom doesn’t understand. I need to talk about autism and how I am feeling and not be coddled or continuously agreed with. I need to speak openly. Find that person. It can be hard. Find them.
Set One Goal
Not a hundred goals. Pick one thing that you need to achieve to feel better about yourself. Maybe it’s reading a book. Or taking taking 15 minutes to exercise. Set one goal. You will feel on top of the world when you accomplish it.
Good luck to all of you. I know what it’s like to be sad and down. It affects every single thing you do. Just keep going. Work towards finding balance with your child, yourself, your family, and your sanity. You will get there friends!
Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook and subscribe to our newsletter.
I like the part about finding someone to talk to. That part of self care, coupled with managing my weight, are the foundations for me to keep moving in a positive direction.
I have found that if I can’t express my grief to someone I implode with anger, impatience, overeating and drinking.
If I can’t keep my weight in check then I feel bad about myself and have a hard time really focousing and doing a good job on anything else . I wish I could say it’s about health, but it’s not. When I have a muffin top I start to self loathe. It’s a pattern and cycle and I’m currently overweight by about 20 pounds and am trying hard to lose it. This is almost as good as having lost it. I’m no longer out of control with my consumption.
I’m also in a dark spot right now, it’s the autism roller coaster low of endless paperwork, changing schools and politely fighting to get services.. sigh. But I have a phone appt with a fellow autism mom tomorrow to chat and I have a salad waiting for me tonight. These keep me moving .
Hugs Kate. You will pull through I just know it
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on self-care, it’s something I struggle with all the time. It’s so nice to hear from another mom who gets it and experiences the same lack of self-care moments as I do. It’s a rollercoaster of emotions, good days and bad and comforting to know I’m not alone.