When There is No One to Blame

Last week our family visited the Mayo Clinic in hopes of learning more about Cooper. The appointment was a lot. I left feeling heartbroken and like I was back to square one on the grieving path.

Over the week, as I told people about the appointment, I started hearing a theme. They blamed the Mayo for horrible service. They blamed the doctor for telling me certain things. They blamed the stressful walk in. They blamed this and they blamed that. I heard, ‘That appointment sounded awful. And, what a terrible doctor.’

At first, I agreed. Damn right that place was awful. I was so upset by the outcome. I was angry by the ‘harsh’ things she said to us. ‘Three words by age five is the guideline’ stung the most. But, I was also sad about the way my son acted and behaved. I was crushed. It was all a lot to process.

So, I placed blame.

I was sad and angry. I had to blame someone.

I blamed my husband for not being supportive enough. I blamed the drive for upsetting Cooper. I blamed the doctor for telling us the truth. I blamed Sawyer, my four year old, for being incredibly difficult after the appointment. I blamed everyone around me.

I did this because I couldn’t possibly blame my autistic son. I couldn’t be mad at my beautiful, amazing little boy. I am not a monster. He has a disability. He has autism. I am the adult.

I have experienced every single possible emotion in regards to my son’s disability over the years. I’ve been angry, sad, confused, frustrated, heartbroken. You name it. I’ve felt it. And every time I experience one of these emotions I get the urge to blame someone. It’s human nature.

Take a listen as I discuss the human nature of placing blame.

https://youtu.be/1iT1Zrc4J44

But here is the truth. The doctor was wonderful. She was calm and patient and took three hours with Cooper. The walk in wouldn’t have been stressful for anyone else. The clinic was beautiful. This doctor and facility treated us fantastic. I was just hurt. I was angry and sad. And I needed to put all that emotion on someone besides my son.

Seven years in, I’ve stopped placing blame. It got exhausting and it took it’s toll. I put way too much energy into blaming others for the way I felt.

Now, I simply look at all the anger, frustration, sadness and chaos, and tell myself, ‘it is what it is and it’s no ones fault. Doing that has brought me a lot of peace.

Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook and subscribe to our newsletter.