A Time Before Autism
I had a rare hour of silence from autism today and I let myself get lost in old photographs. Oh, the cuteness of Cooper. He’s always been beautiful. Right from day one. So beautiful in fact that many people struggled to believe something was wrong.
As I scrolled back through the years I felt so many emotions. Before Sawyer. Before the therapies. Before the diagnosis. Before we knew. Cooper’s beautiful smile in every picture.
As the photos got older I started to recognize myself. There I was. Smiling holding Cooper. Laughing with Jamie. Me with friends. Me doing things. Me being me.
That was before though. Before we had ever acknowledged the word autism.
A Life Divided
My life is divided up into two parts. Before autism. And after autism.
Sometimes, like today, looking back makes me sad. We always knew but…we didn’t REALLY know until it was said out loud by the psychologist. Once she said it…it was real. No more pretending. I look at pictures like this one and my heart breaks. We had no idea what was ahead of us. Autism was just a word. A word that happens to other people’s children.
And sometimes, I look at photos like this one, and I’m happy there was a time before autism. Before the pressure. The unknown. The fear. The worry. The guilt. The panic. The behaviors, rigidity, screaming, and anxiety. A time before the hard stuff.
Before We Knew
I tell myself…we had some time before. Before it got really hard. Before we really knew. Before it got real. And that makes me happy.
Photo Credit: Melanie Houle Gunderson
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Hi Honey,
I love your Blog. It’s honest, and it’s real. I just read the one on depression, and it resonated so much. Looking at baby pictures before “Autism”. Hit’s home. My Autisic son is now 16…. he is severe, he’s still in diapers. But many things are better. I just started my own blog, in case you want to follow it, to read it. http://www.theautismmomma.com Or maybe just email, connect. I feel you. I’ve been looking for a while for good Autism Blogs…. and since Autism is such a HUGE Spectrum, it’s hard to find ones that resonate with me. Yours did. I think mine will resonate with you too. I just started it, but I would love it if you took a look. I would even love advice. What you said on your post about depression, something about, “This is why I write. Not to get a pat on the back, but for someone to know what I go through. That it’s hard. ” I’m with you. I know how hard it is. And how sometimes you’re angry with God. Yes. Me too. Sending love, prayers, camaraderie and support. Love, “The Autism Momma” Willow Sanders in California.