A Conversation with Sawyer: Is My Brother Coming With?
A few nights ago, Jamie and I attended our four-year-olds first Christmas pageant. I can’t even tell you how excited I was to attend. Sawyer had been talking about it for weeks. I knew it was going to be special. Sawyer nailed it. Just like he always does. He stood, sang, participated and hammed it up. And we watched. It was wonderful. It was pretty special to watch him.
In so many ways we are like first time parents.We never experienced any of this stuff with Cooper. And there is something incredibly bittersweet about that.
Sawyer is making friends, having play dates, attending preschool, and even joined soccer. Watching him experience the world means so much to me. It’s beautiful. It’s exactly how it’s supposed to be.
It’s hard for me to put my feelings into words though. Watching Sawyer grow up is beautiful. But below the surface lives some sadness. I have two children. And Cooper has never done any of these things. Nor does he join our family while we do them. He can’t yet. Maybe some day.
So many people say to me…’Why do you take it so hard? Many people only have one child. They only experience it once.‘ I just shake my head. It’s so different than that. Or they scold me and tell me to celebrate Sawyer. I want the world to know that we celebrate both of our children. This blog is the place though where I can say that it’s hard. It’s emotional.
My son Cooper is beautiful. He’s healthy. He’s vibrant. And as Sawyer achieves each milestone I see a glimpse of what life could have been like for Cooper. It’s heart wrenching. And I won’t deny that.
Another big milestone happened before Sawyer’s Christmas Concert. At age four, he advocated for himself for the first time.
He asked me if his brother was coming with to watch. Before I could answer he said, ‘I don’t want him to come mama. If he comes he will wreck everything. And you won’t get to watch me. You will have to watch Cooper. It’s not fair.’
His words were true and heartbreaking at the same time. He wasn’t wrong. If Cooper went I would spend my time following him around, keeping him safe, keeping others safe and not enjoying any of Sawyer’s show. This is the first time Sawyer has expressed his feelings in that way. I was a bit shocked, a whole lot of sad and also proud of him for adovcating for himself.
He has a voice and needs too. And he expressed them appropriately.
Take a listen:
Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook and subscribe to our newsletter.
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