My Son is What? Artistic?

The journey called fatherhood is one that is naturally fraught with many twists and turns. There are no concrete directions that you receive at the beginning, but there is at the same time information and advice coming at you from multiple directions and sources. You hope and pray that everything is going to take care of itself as you work frantically to provide the framework necessary for normal growth and development of your child.

Why wouldn’t this occur normally, right? Many of the behaviors I am seeing in my son are just normal parts of infancy…right?

You begin to find yourself looking for re-assurance from anybody and everybody that everything is normal and okay, but yet something begins gnawing at you from deep inside. Guilt keeps this from surfacing initially, as does the process of denial, until finally the realization starts to seep in that there is something more to this. The pre-conceived notions of all the normal stages in life that a father goes through with their son begin to flash through your mind like a rushing freight train, while an underlying feeling of fear and dread floods you with the concept of these ideas and dreams being stolen out from underneath you.

Will my son talk, go to school, make friends, participate in sports, have a girlfriend, go to college, get a job, get married, have kids of his own? Is it possible for him to live a happy and fulfilling life while living with this condition?

At about 16 months of age my wife and I took Oliver in for a follow up visit at Children’s hospital. They were doing free screens and assessments on development in twins (Oliver has a twin sister Lucy) who spent any time in their NICU/special care nursery. After a 15-20 second assessment we received the words that instantly changed our life. “Your son Oliver displays the early signs of autism” stated the well-respected autism expert.

Keep in mind, we were not going there to have him tested for autism, we were simply going for a free assessment of their growth and development.  “Well, what does he know? He barely spent any time with him!” We were mad and we let him know right then and there. Of course he doesn’t know what he is talking about; he’s only been researching and speaking on this topic for the last 25-30 years. Ahhh, the power of denial.

Our next step was to get him in for a second opinion with a neurodevelopmental pediatrician who deals solely with evaluating children on the autism spectrum. She would obviously tell us that he is fine and to just relax and chill out. WRONG. “I believe your son is on the autism spectrum” was her summary statement after testing him. It was clear that it was time for a serious attitude shift on Daddy’s part.

Slowly, acceptance begins to take over and it all starts to come together in a more clear and vivid picture. My son Oliver is AUTISTIC. All of the tantrums, hypersensitivities to sounds/light/temperatures, difficulty with changing schedules and new environments, it all begins to make sense. I could literally feel the change taking place in my mind, the internal “shift” in expectations, dreams, and hopes that every parent has for their child. Along with this comes the accompanying guilt and sense of powerlessness associated with these feelings. “How can I feel this way about my own child and how am I going to fix this?”

Growing up, I would hear this word ‘autism’ and not really understand what it was or what it meant. I honestly thought at first that it was a way to pronounce “artistic”, but with a southern twang. What would the future hold for my beautiful son Oliver, who I have so many hopes and dreams for? Would he be a person that society rejected and would I be able to love him and provide for him as much as he deserves? Am I strong enough to handle this? Like so many others, every child on the spectrum is different and each situation unique. This was the beginning of my autism journey.

This article was submitted to Finding Cooper’s Voice by Mark Froemke. Mark is the proud father of a son with autism and looking for ways to help people in similar situations with a combination of humor and honesty. Interested in guest posting on Finding Cooper’s Voice? LEARN MORE

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