Autism and the Effects on Siblings

I have two sons, Cooper is seven and Sawyer is four. They are both blonde, adorable, strong-willed, and funny. They are both obsessed with their mama. They are loud. They are both snugglers. They have been brothers since Cooper was almost two. And yet, it wasn’t until recently that they even began acknowledging each other.

Yes, it broke my heart for years. There are days when it still does. I can almost picture what my life would be like if my boys were able to play each other. If I close my eyes I can see them biking, running, and playing Nerf Guns. And yet, it’s never happened. They are getting closer though. My boys have started wrestling every so often.

I always pictured myself with lots of kids. I thought for sure I’d have three or four. And then my little tornado Cooper was born and before I knew it I was the mama to an autistic child. And everything changed. My time was occupied with therapies, finding doctors and treatments, researching and fighting insurance companies. My life wasn’t blissful parenting anymore. It was different.

When I was pregnant with Sawyer I was asked by fellow mamas and friends if Cooper was excited to meet his new baby brother. I remember thinking…he has no idea. I would see other kids the same age kiss their moms belly and rock a doll in preparation for their new sibling. My son had no idea. I found comfort by telling myself…’oh, he’s a boy. Boy’s don’t care.’ I was scared though.

I remember Jamie brought Cooper to the hospital to meet his baby brother and Cooper refused to even acknowledge me or him. He chased a balloon instead. My fear intensified.

By the time Sawyer could sit-up and crawl he was in love with his older brother. He followed him every where. And it was like Cooper never even noticed him. There was no acknowledgement. That has done some damage to Sawyer. All the focus on Cooper has too. Doctors appointments, therapy sessions, waiting rooms, hours on the phone, the advocating. And that’s just the business side.

So much more goes into their actual relationship. And how autism has changed us as a family. We are controlled by Cooper’s anxiety and rigidity. That’s the truth. Autism affects every decision we make. I, as an adult, can accept that. A four-year-old can’t.

I remember many outings when I would be carrying Cooper’s kicking, thrashing body and urging Sawyer to follow behind. I have even harder memories too. Shushing my sweet Sawyer’s words just so I could have a moment of silence when Cooper finally slept after days of being awake.

A year or so ago I saw how much Sawyer wanted to play with his brother…and at that time…I knew it wasn’t going to happen. And almost overnight, Sawyer seemed to forget about his brother too. It was heartbreaking. Here is a letter I wrote to Sawyer when he turned four. I know he won’t read it until he’s older…and that’s okay. I just need him to know how love he is and how thankful I am for him.

As my boys get older I am starting to see the struggles Sawyer is facing. He is confused by autism. He is starting to mimic his older brother’s behaviors. He is wondering why he doesn’t get as much attention as his brother. And as a result, I see that we have spoiled him.

And in the blink of an eye my sweet Sawyer is almost five. I feel like autism overshadowed so much of his toddler years.

Obviously, he is an absolutely amazing kid. I have no doubt about that. But there is a fine line between making his life easier because his brother has a disability and turning him into a wild child. We have also encountered another shift. Sawyer is turning into our challenge! Cooper is in an amazing place right now. He is in ABA Therapy. He is healthy. He is thriving and learning. Yes, we still have lots and lots of struggle but nothing like it was a year ago.

Check out my video for more thoughts on the subject of autism and its effects on siblings.

Finding Cooper’s Voice is a safe, humorous, caring and honest place where you can celebrate the unique challenges of parenting a special needs child. Because you’re never alone in the struggles you face. And once you find your people, your allies, your village….all the challenges and struggles will seem just a little bit easier. Welcome to our journey. You can also follow us on Facebook and subscribe to our newsletter.