Just Give It Time
C
ooper has a pooping problem. Or more specifically, a constipation problem. I’ve always felt that it has to do with his diet being so restricted. The kid eats right around 10 founds plus any carb type snack. I don’t believe he has eaten a vegetable since he was 9 months old. And as for fruit it’s only fresh strawberries. And trust me, I thank God that he at least eats those.
I can actually remember the last time he ate a vegetable. I remember he was 11 months or so and eating peas because he got one stuck in his belly button and I of course took a dozen pictures of it. I may have teared up as I searched for the photo. Sigh. He was so stinking cute.
Anyhow, I can’t take the pooping problems anymore. When I think about all the hard moments…difficulty eating, zero self care, nonverbal, etc….I think I am really, really struggling with the potty issues.
Cooper is a big kid. And he has adult size poop and pee. And he also doesn’t care if he sits in it. He also is constipated 75% of the time and ALWAYS has poop smears in his diaper. And it straight up smells. So I know that every single time I change his diaper there is going to be peanut butter poop on his butt. I could change him 40 times a day and there will be poop every single time. And I am defeated.
On Wednesday I got a call from Fraser in the afternoon that Cooper had a fever and I needed to pick him up early. I have a hunch that his chronic ear infections are back which means another tube surgery. I start to sweat just thinking about it.
When we got home I let him just zone out. He was absolutely exhausted from his first day of preschool in the morning and Fraser in the afternoon and of course the fever. I made dinner, Sawyer and I played, relaxed and then it was bathtime. Cooper came into the bathroom and I see that his pants are soaked. Literally dripping with pee. I am guessing that since I picked him up early from school they didn’t change his diaper. And he didn’t feel the need to tell me that he was wet.
I seriously felt sick to my stomach. He is 4 and not only can he NOT tell me that his pants are wet…he doesn’t even feel the need to tell me. And he smelled. My sweet little boy smelled like pee and poop. And I got mad.
Yes, mother of the year.
Mad that he can’t tell me. Mad that he doesn’t care. Mad that I know that smelly kids get teased and don’t have friends. And mad that I can’t make this kid use the toilet. I really can’t. It’s out of my control. Mad that I am changing a 4 year olds diaper. Mad that I am still buying diapers for him. Mad that he always smells like poop. Always.
I was flooded with emotions. I am such a freaking failure. That’s what I feel. He isn’t potty trained and I don’t know if he ever will be. It’s not even the fact that he doesn’t use the toilet. It’s the fact that he doesn’t even know the toilet exists. Or care that he is sitting in pee or poop.
Sometimes I worry that I am a horrible person. I will think these thoughts in my head about how I can’t do this anymore. There is no alternative though. I would change that kids diaper at 5 or 10 or whenever. I love him too much to let him sit in pee or poop. But I don’t have to like it. I am sick of shit.
Damn girl, I’m sorry it’s so freakin’ hard. I just want to go over to your house and hug and you and the Super Coop. I have no platitudes to give you. My kid is into fecal smearing right now, which I briefly discuss in this post: https://thereisnorainasd.wordpress.com/2015/01/15/son-struggling-through-changes-my-childhood-traumas-re-emerge/
Sometimes ASD can be so soul-shattering. We must hang on for our boys, even if it’s only by our fingernails.
I’ve got no solutions or platitudes. I just want you to know that i am sending you love/prayers/vibes, however you’d like to call it. Thinking of you and Coop.
I could of wrote a similar blog about my son a few years ago. The following things have helped immensely; going gluten and dairy free, adding a probiotic, and magnesium calm supplement. My son also had the chronic ear infections and tube surgery and limited diet. His issues haven’t magically disappeared but he his healthy, potty trained, so much happier, has normal bowel movements and more and more verbal each day (now 5.) The thing I found while researching this is so many kids on the spectrum have underlining health/immune/gut issues.
I’m praying for you guys. I love your honesty. Please don’t feel judged. All moms with kids who have special needs battle these thoughts.
Have you tried miralax for the constipation? My NT 4yo will not poop in the toilet and gets constipated. you can put miralax in chocolate milk. tasteless. safe for children.
Hi there. Yup…we use miralax with coops. It also brings challenges though. Even the smallest doses seem to give him the hershey squirts. ? there is no winning.
I keep coming back to see that adorable pic of Cooper in the high chair, with his little moobs on display (my son also had moobs as a baby, though he’s pretty skinny now with his eating issues).
I was going to ask you how it feels to be “out” on your blog with your real identity given, and lots of pics of your family for all to see? Especially since you’re not a pollyanna…do you get a lot of heat for this blog? I can’t talk about my son’s ASD in real life without huge criticism unless I frame everything as being a positive experience. Yet I cannot and will not frame autism as a “positive only” journey…I feel that approach only devalues our very real pain and the difficulties of having a disabled child, as well as de-valuing our children’s difficulties. Lots of people seem to disagree with me and feel I should be ashamed of myself for ever saying autism is challenging…you say it all the time though. How’s that going for you?
Cooper weighed 25 lbs at 6 months!!! He was and is a porkchop. Well….ive beeb doing rge blog for a little over a year. I kept it a secret at first. I was so sad at that time and i couldnt get my family to understand what i was feeling. I was lost. So…i slowly started sharing with our parents and siblings. It was amazing. And liberating. I am very honest with the fact that my heart is broken. And i dont know if it can ever be healed. And oddly enough i am a very happy person. I am just sad underneath i guess. As for criticism, ive had a couple people be mean to me. I actually had a woman write a post about how i forec fed Cooper and basically abused him. I was crushed. I know that my love for coops comes through though. He is my life. I love these questions from you!!!
Your love for Cooper definitely comes through on your blog…while you freely admit to challenges, I’ve never once had the impression that you didn’t love your kid or were EVER abusive to him. My goodness, someone writing a derogatory post like that about me would break my heart (and my heart is already pretty damn broken). I think you’re quite brave to be “out” like this in the world, and am glad most people have been understanding of your perspectives. I can’t say I’ve had the same experience, which is why my blog is anonymous.
As for facebook, I appear to be the only person on earth who doesn’t have an account there, nor do I use any other social media. (gasp!) I know that’s unheard of these days, but I always was a bit of a rebel (which is the story I’m sticking to…no need to mention I’m extremely technically challenged). 🙂
PS. You should email me so we can connect on facebook or elsewhere!
Hey, just a thought…could his poop issues be something like encopresis? I have dealt with that ans it goes on for months and months and months and it is a stinking smelly awful process. It took me forever to understand the reason my seven year old was regressing and having accidents. Anyway, just an idea.
I want to say it Will get better…i know i cant guarantee you that, though. I Will just say that i will pray that it gets better.
Aww, poor Cooper and poor Mommy. Ugh, I’m so sorry you have to deal with that. Whenever Kiddo has a problem with constipation I massage a little peppermint essential oil in a circle around his belly button, and within 20 minutes to an hour he has a bowel movement. Hope that helps.
Girrrrl I feel ya. I get so pissed off at the fact that this is the hand I was dealt. That it’s me. I have a child with ASD. That always was so foreign to me. That I’m her. The woman I pitied and felt scared for. But it’s also a gift in an odd way. That I love with everything in me this cute and crazy kid. Even the simplest of things sometimes takes weeks and months to learn and the slightest achievement I celebrate like he just climbed Mt Everest!! I feel like hes performing miracles with every new ability. My NT son just does things. I ask him to go grab his coat and hat and he does it. My ASD kid wld just ignore me. But if he actually puts his arms through the sleeves and responds to “let’s go out!” I can make it through another day and even gives me hope that he will beat the odds. We were chosen for these little guys. I don’t know why but we were. Im totally with you though. Its freaking exhausting. Im just always sooo tired!!