Saying It Out Loud

So for the first time ever I had the words, “I’m sorry…he’s autistic” on the tip of my tongue and couldn’t bring myself to say it.

We are getting new carpet in our basement and on Sunday two people from the company came over to show us carpet samples and measure. Jamie went downstairs with the guy and I stayed upstairs with the boys to look at the samples. The woman was showing me the different styles and had them spread out all over the floor.

As usual Sawyer was right in the center of the action and climbing all over the samples. Cooper was hanging back a bit watching a movie but every so often would come climb on the samples as well. After a few minutes or so of chaos Cooper stepped back behind the woman and threw a stuffed monkey which hit the woman right in the back of the head. She handled it in stride but I was mortified. I went to grab Cooper and he ran and jumped and climbed and rolled and squealed. He was having a great time. I was not.

I couldn’t catch him to even discipline him. Every step I took would prompt him to run. I stepped and he stepped. And that little stinker is fast. And he thought this was HILARIOUS.

As he rolled off the couch and down a pile of carpet samples I lunged for him and nearly biffed it. I got him and set him in his booster chair at the table.  I was a sweaty mess. He was not amused and screamed for a good 5 minutes. The lady and I just talked louder.

I was about to say it and I couldn’t. I didn’t want to say that he had autism and that throwing is his stim. I just didn’t have the energy to go into the whole thing.

During the 45 minutes that they were there Cooper threw two more things at her. He was laughing and looking back I think he was trying to engage with her. She took it in stride but I could tell that she was giving me the side eye.

Maybe I should just learn to say it. “I apologize for my son’s behavior. He is autistic and nonverbal and struggles in social situations.”

Saying it is admitting it though. Saying it makes it real. And quite honestly, saying it out loud makes me feel like I am putting him down. Even though my logical side knows I’m not. It’s the truth.

This goes back to my previous post. He just can’t ‘be’ in a situation. I almost compare him to a caged animal. The second that we need him to participate or be quiet or whatever he goes WILD.

To anyone out there whose child has went limp on you and rolled on the floor in a tantrum I feel your pain. It’s exasperating. There is no winning against that shit.