Super Cooper is Growing Up
I’ve spent the last few weeks feeling sorry for myself and for our situation. To put a date on it I have been struggling since Easter. I think it’s all so real now. Most likely because of all the evaluations. They are so brutal. And, of course, I know a label/diagnosis is coming and I can’t run anymore. But, it’s time to dig out of this funk. I am ready. I will throw this kid on my back and climb up a damn mountain if I have too. Being sad doesn’t get you anywhere. And I can tell Cooper is on a good streak right now so I better enjoy it while it lasts!
Yesterday, the school psychologist went to Cooper’s daycare to observe him. This HAD to be done in order for Cooper to qualify for a developmental preschool through the school district. I felt weird about it. Maybe that’s the wrong word. It’s more than I am at ‘enough is enough.’
So, I called the psychologist today to see how it went. We ended up talking for 45 minutes about everything. She said Cooper was amazing. He was comfortable, quiet, engaged, excited, happy, etc. This is the kid that I know. Not this little demon that appears every time we enter an evaluation room. See, I NEED people to understand that my kid (and maybe other kids) acts completely different in certain situations. And it’s exhausting.
Anyhow, she confided in me that she knows Cooper is delayed in all areas and that he will definitely qualify for services. That is good. But, she also said that she isn’t sure about the diagnosis side. We are meeting with her at our house next Thursday for the final piece of the evaluation puzzle. I hate that this stuff isn’t black and white.
Here is what I know. Cooper is maturing. He’s understanding more. He’s communicating more. Every day is getting a little easier. He’s sleeping amazing and even transitioning well. My baby is almost 3 1/2. We have no words yet. What else. He is so stinking cute it hurts.
An Aside
My blog traffic is booming lately and I feel like I need to say something. Maybe just for me but it still needs to be said because I have been thinking about it nonstop. I am new to this. New to Apraxia and Special Needs and Autism and honestly new to being a mom. Cooper is only 3. I am so freaking scared all of the time. I never knew this kind of fear even existed. Half the time I feel like I am going to drowned from the weight of the worry. I get to the point where the thought of one more thing makes me hyperventilate. And while I have a great support system, I don’t always get the emotional responses that I need in real life so I turn to this blog to say how I feel. And honestly, it has changed my life. I have felt more virtual hugs than I ever thought possible.
In saying that, I need you all to know that I am good mom. I love my son so much. I would trade anything for a promise that he will have a happy life. My boys are my life. I don’t love one more than the other. They are both perfect to me. If I write something that makes it seem like I am a bad mom please understand that I am scared and I am having a bad day.
I am honestly just trying to survive.
And I am not to the acceptance part yet. I so much want to be but I am not. I can’t change how I feel.
Just please understand that I am trying to navigate through this journey blind. And I am documenting it because I know in my heart there are other moms and dads that are scared shitless just like me. All I ever wanted was to find someone out there that could relate to what I was going through.
So, that’s that I guess.
You are doing fine. All moms go through the dread, fear, and anxiety of raising kids. I’ve got a 16 and 12 year old and I daily question how I raise them. Don’t be too hard on yourself either. HUGS MAMA!!! <3
I think you are AMAZING. I follow your blog, and I have never thought once, not even for a second, that you weren’t a good mom. You are loving, you are scared, and you are HONEST. Hugs mama!!
Just take one day at a time and don’t worry about other people. Once all the evals are complete and you have a program in place for Cooper, you will feel so much more in control. Also try not to get hung up on a “label” if it does happen. Cooper is still Cooper even if he has autism or apraxia or something else. Just think of it this way- a diagnosis doesn’t appear on diagnosis day. Kids who are diagnosed with disorders or speech issues still will have them even if they are not acknowledged. A medical confirmation gives you the ability to understand your child more and allow you and your family to better understand his needs. It will also help you be a stronger advocate. He will be the same Cooper matter what the outcome of the evals. Stay strong mama you are doing a great job! You are not alone either, there are lots of us out there and we need to stick together!
Kate…. You don’t have to explain yourself. You are an amazing Mom. Keep blogging. Keep learning. Keep the faith that you are the perfect Mom for Cooper and Sawyer. I believe in you.