April 30, 2014

Running From Your Problems

d40f757dae7e2b01e29454c4c1806f7fI can think of a dozen times throughout this journey where I have considered taking my family and moving away. I fantasized that we would buy a cabin on a lake somewhere. Jamie and I would both work from home and we would raise the kids the way we wanted too. I would even homeschool the boys.

Doing this seemed so right. Probably because the parent of a special needs child lives in constant Fight or Flight mode.

I guess what I am really trying to say is that I fantasize about running away from Cooper’s issues. I tell myself that if we are alone I won’t worry about judgments from other people or diagnosis’s from doctors. It won’t matter if he is different because it would just be us.

There are 101 reasons why we never moved away. And probably never will.

And then today, at the end of yet another exhausting evaluation at the school district, the gym teacher brought our little family into the gym. She then brought in a class of 5 year olds to play with Cooper. Cooper was sitting on Jamie’s lap as the teacher asked the kids to run in a circle. It took a whole 2 seconds before Cooper was running in a circle with them. He then proceeded to jump with them and do pushups and a bunch of other activities. This was his BEST DAY. I could see it in his face.

He wants to play. And he wants to make friends. And I can’t hold him back from that by stealing him away.

I am sobbing as I write this. I am always so scared and as I watched him with those kids it was like time stood still. That simple activity gave me 10 minutes where I got to be like the other parents. For 10 minutes Cooper wasn’t different. He was just this little peanut who LOVED being one of the big kids.

I could steal him away and hide from all of this. We could hide from society and autism and apraxia and whatever else you want to add in there. But the bottom line is that Cooper loves people too much. He wouldn’t be happy hiding. It would be selfish of me to do that to him. And as a mama, there is no time for selfishness.

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Kate Swenson

Kate Swenson lives in Minnesota with her husband Jamie, and four children, Cooper, Sawyer, Harbor and Wynnie. Kate launched Finding Cooper's Voice from her couch while her now 11-year-old son Cooper was being diagnosed with autism. Back then it was a place to write. Today it is a living, thriving community of people who want to not only advocate for autism, but also make the world a better place for individuals with disabilities and their families. Her first book, Forever Boy, will be released, April 5, 2022.

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4 Comments

  1. rgemom on April 30, 2014 at 7:42 pm

    Oh man, I am crying with you. How awesome would it be sometimes to be able to run away, hide away, and protect our precious loves from all that can (and too often does) hurt them in this world? But they need to connect just as much as we do.
    Sending you hugs. There are sunny days, and there are rainy days. Finding your cave and hanging out there for awhile when you need to….there’s nothing wrong with that.



  2. Kate @ Did That Just Happen? on May 1, 2014 at 12:36 am

    It sounds like sometimes it is just as hard to see Cooper being “normal”, because you had 10 wonderful minutes, but your reality is very different from the reality of the other parents.



  3. Rowan on May 1, 2014 at 3:06 am

    I have also entertained this thought once or twice! Sounds like Cooper had a blast…maybe sign him up for a informal gymnastics or dance class?! Was this an OT assessment?



  4. A Miracle In the Works on May 1, 2014 at 11:36 pm

    Sounds like Cooper had so much fun today! I hope you can do that again with him soon. I’m so glad he got to be a “normal” kid for a bit.

    I totally get the desire to run away too…it’s OK 🙂