I Am A Fixer

I am a fixer. I always have been. Problem solving is my thing. I work as a Project Manager and my job is to tackle multiple projects at once. Someone will come to me and say, figure out a way to make this work better. And I dig in. I love it. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately and I realize that I can’t fix Cooper. I can’t change him. No matter how much I pray or hope or wish…he is who he is. And that scares the crap out of me.

I’ve started to have this realization (it might be my husband’s influence) that I am going to do so much worrying in my life. If Cooper doesn’t start talking he will get teased. Even if he starts talking he might not sound normal. (Kids with Apraxia often sound different) He might not be able to play sports or make friends. Why am I worrying so much now. I am destroying myself with worry. I think I need to relax and realize that I can’t fix this.

Cooper only had one speech appointment this week. After a few rough appointments over the past couple of weeks I was really dreading going. But, for the most part, Cooper enjoys it. At the clinic there is a sensory table in the tiny waiting room for the kids. Every week the theme changes and it is always a hit with Cooper. We walked in and I instantly saw The Polar Express set up on the sensory table. My heart instantly dropped. There is nothing Cooper loves more than trains…and there is nothing harder for Cooper than transitioning from one activity to another.

His therapist came out after a few minutes and tried to coax Cooper away. Nope. We bribed. We bargained. He freaked. He threw the trains down and lost his sh!t. And that is putting it mildly. Cooper has very few tantrums but I could tell this was going to be epic. We ended up taking the whole train set with us to the room.

He handled the first part of the appointment okay. We are working on colors and his therapist had him pick out different colored blocks while touching the coordinating color on the Ipad. When he got it right he was able to drop the block down a long, clear plastic tube. He loved it and totally rocked.

Then, it was time to ride The Polar Express. Again, my heart dropped. Right outside our room there was a projector set up that was showing the pages of book. There were two other little boys that were going to participate. A 5-year-old who is deaf and autistic and a 4-year-old who had ‘some’ language. Those two little boys were so excited. They sat down and got their tickets punched, drank hot chocolate, etc. Cooper wouldn’t do any of it. He doesn’t understand. Towards the end he went up to the screen and watched but not like the other kids. They were so cute and interacted.

As usual, I cried the whole way home. I kept thinking, “I bring my son to a clinic for social and language disorders and I have the worst one. Why? Why me?”

That afternoon we brought the boys to see Santa. Or course Sawyer was a ham and loved it. Cooper gave Santa a high-five and fist pump and we got a great family picture. I consider that a win!

And for an update, both boys are sleeping amazing at night. I don’t want to jinx it but the little angels are going to sleep at 7:30 and sleeping till after 6. Life changing!